BF Forever
by chosmer
Summary: It's one thing to have to wait around until your brother grows a pair, but when he bails on your BFF... it's time to take matters into your own hands.
1. Chapter 1

Stephenie pwns. I steal characters.

* * *

My brother can be such a douche. Pathetic actually. He _knows_ that her "change" is inevitable. He tries so hard to play the victim. And while all this is going on, I have to sit back and wait. I hate waiting. Maybe because I know what's going to happen next?

Maybe I'm just impatient.

Screw it. I've _seen _Bella Swan as my eternal best friend.

I want her now.

Tonight is another night just like any other – my brother is over Bella's house stalking her ass, probably watching her sleep_. _Hold on, let me check. Yep, watching her sleep like the creeper he is.

_Sigh._

If only he would just come to terms with his feelings we could get this over with. I _know _it would be prudent to wait until she graduates from high school. We could make it seem like the first two years at some nondescript, made-up college in Alaska has kept her too busy to visit her folks… that is why she's been MIA. I have it all worked out, but sitting back and waiting is _so _annoying.

It's not like I can't hang out with her now, but she does smell pretty good. I don't want a best friend that smells like dinner. _More _like dessert actually. And I hate the fact that Jasper can't be around her. It's frustrating. I want to be able to hang out with my man and my best friend. It would also be super cool if we could double date. It _would_ be cool. I've _seen _it!

_Sigh_.

Here I am, bored out of my skull while Jasper plays chess with Carlisle. Esme is hunched over some drafting table, designing some outdoor greenhouse. Rosalie is degreasing her tools. Yuck. And me - I sit here scrolling through future outcomes. Bella and I running through the woods giggling. Bella and I watching all night marathons of Project Runway. Bella and I hanging out in my bedroom joking around. I like that one for some reason. She's lying on the floor flipping through some magazine while I sit in front of the computer shopping online. It's so comforting to just _be_.

I want my best friend now. _Sigh_.

"What's with all the dramatics?" Jasper asks while capturing Carlisle's rook.

"What is drama, but life with the dull bits cut out?" I quote.

Jasper winks at me but then scowls when Carlisle takes his bishop.

I throw myself down on the couch and cross my arms across my chest.

"I'm sick of waiting for Edward to grow a pair," I state.

This time Jasper just rolls his eyes. "Save the drama for your mama!"

I sigh again and leave the room.

I wish Emmett were here, but he's out hunting. Again. He is such a gluttonous bastard. I'm surprised there's still wildlife left.

I guess I'll go watch last season's Grey's. Edward downloaded it for me and I haven't gotten around to it yet. You know what would be better though… if Bella were here to watch it with me, so we can laugh at the ridiculousness…

I want her to be the Christina to my Meredith.

_Sigh._

_

* * *

_

My best friend and I have a pact. If either of us were ever _turned,_ we promised to turn the other. It's just common courtesy. This is how this idea came to me.

Drama is life with the dull bits cut out ~

Alfred Hitchcock

Jessica0306 is too kind. I don't know why she puts up with me. I just send her angry smiley's all day, threaten her, and yell at her.


	2. Chapter 2

I should have known. My future eternal best friend is much different than my current human semi-best friend. How was I supposed to know she'd get a paper cut opening her birthday present? I've had my head in the future so much recently that her fragile human klutziness got overlooked.

But seriously. A paper cut.

I went out of my way to find her a dress that she would _actually _wear. I read over every online review for the best tasting cake in the area. Do you know how maddening it is to deal with bakeries? Thank god for Esme and her patient phone abilities. I decorated the crap out of this house. I even dressed Edward, but he is always good like that. He will do anything to impress Bella and he knows I got mad skills.

So when the night was ruined over a paper cut… to say I was upset would be an understatement. I couldn't even help her out and I knew she was embarrassed. Instead, I had to help restrain Jasper from eating her. How messed up is that? The love of my life wants to eat my best friend. Well, now that just sounds dirty.

Anyway, I was left behind while Edward took her home. I should have gone over there so she could confide in me, but I knew _he_ was already tucking her in and hogging her precious time. Let me check. Yep, they are going to have a heart-to-heart discussion…_wait_…I don't like where this is going…

"Carlisle!" I yell, even though I don't have to.

He enters the living room with Esme trailing behind.

"What, Alice? There is no reason to shout." Good ole Carlisle. He totally sounds like a parent and it makes me want to roll my eyes and play the part of the teenager I am supposed to be.

"I had a vision. Edward is being an idiot. Well, the vision keeps fluctuating, but I don't like where this one leads. If I know Edward, then I'm pretty sure he's going to get all emo."

"What is it?" he asks.

"Edward is leaving again…" Before I can finish, Esme butts in.

"Oh, no!" she whines.

"_But_," I overstress the word, "so are we. It looks like he's serious this time. He wants to pick up shop and move out of town."

Rosalie and Emmett make their way down stairs. They've been listening and have decided to finally join us. Jasper is already standing beside me. I know he's feeling guilty, but I'm too mad at him to console him. He is _so_ not getting any tonight.

"Well, it makes sense. She's human. We should leave." Leave it to Rosalie to be a logical bitch.

"Rose, I know you are against the idea of other people being happy, but seriously, can you stop with the lecture? We've heard it from you a million times," I snap.

Emmett places his hand on Rosalie's shoulder as if to placate her. I know she wants to say something, but she doesn't. She just glares at me. Whatever.

"Alice, maybe this _is_ a good thing," Carlisle states. "You know Edward is adamant about not changing Bella. If we leave now, maybe it will be easier on both of them. Bella will have time to move on. To live her life. This will be a lot harder on Edward, but I'm sure after some time he'll be alright. He hasn't known the girl for long. Perhaps she's not his mate, that it's just her blood that confuses him."

Sometimes I want to punch him in his self-righteous face. I know he agrees with Edward about the whole "soul" business. Pfft.

"You _know _I've _seen_ it Carlisle. She _is_ his mate. He'll _not_ get over it. And neither will I!" I yell the last bit, and stomp off to my room. Playing the angsty teenager is too easy.

I run through my future visions and want to cry when some of my dreams start to disappear. It's times like these when I wish I _could_ cry. When the vision of Bella and I playing Monopoly fades away, I know he's made up his mind. Damn him.

* * *

If you haven't noticed Jessica0306 will always get shout-outs. She does all the work.


	3. Chapter 3

I am _not _happy about the decision. Edward had preached his case. Carlisle and Rose jumped immediately to his defense. They both pretty much patted him on the back and told him he was doing the right thing. That caused Esme and Emmett to pick sides with their mates. _And_ I'm confident Jasper only stood by me because he knew I was mad at him. It didn't matter anyway. I was outvoted.

So, we moved. We left Forks as soon as possible. We cut off all ties and pretended like we never met the Swan girl. As if.

I sulked the whole time. I didn't care if I was acting like a baby. But get this - as soon as we were established in a new place, Edward bounced. What…The…Fuck?

He may be my brother, but god damn he was such a selfish ass sometimes.

So, here we are… playing house again, pretending that Edward didn't run away. Carlisle is trying to comfort Esme, who is acting like her first born son died. She would kn- … oh wait, nevermind. Rose is acting all smug because she _loves_ when she gets her way.

What am I doing? I'm still sulking.

I abandoned my to-be-best-friend for my brother, who then abandoned the whole family _and_ my to-be-best-friend. This makes no sense.

Thinking about it really pisses me off too. I get that Carlisle and Edward have these strong morals and ethics, and I think it's great. They are good people. That is why I love them. I don't even mind their religious beliefs. I just don't _believe_ in all that jazz. I woke up to this existence. This is all I know. I also think that when you die… you die. You are gone… forever. No more. I don't believe in all that hocus hocus-pocus, Santa-in-the-sky nonsense.

So, did we really just leave Bella to grow old and die? Cause that is pretty messed up.

This means I _consented_ to Bella's slow… decaying… death when she could be young, beautiful, happy, in love, loved, blah, blah, blah forever. The scales don't tip in her favor the way it is now. That is how I see it anyway.

I get that this life isn't all rainbows and sunshine. We drink blood. Most of our kind _kills _people… daily. I get it. It's just hard for me now that I've seen how happy she _could_ be. She wouldn't hate it. So, how is it wrong?

_Sigh._

Edward made us promise to never contact her again. I can't even send her an email… or a Facebook comment. He is so mean!

As I _"see"_ it, he is just going to hide away and mope for a very long time. I lost a brother_ and_ a to-be-best-friend.

Who's going to download my favorite shows for me now? Who is going to hassle me about stealing his CD's?

But most importantly, who's going to yell at me when I force them to help pick out new sheets at Bed, Bath and Beyond?

Who's going to beat me at Scattergories every time, but still make me laugh?

Who's going to make my high school classes bearable by creating crafty high jinks?

Who's going to be the Serena to my Blair?

No one. Because I abandoned her and condemned her to die.

Fuck that! I'm outta here.

"Where are you going!" shouts Emmett as I scurry out of the house. Jasper looks worried, so I give him a smile before I run out the door.

"Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget," I quote loudly and keep on running.

* * *

XoXo to Jessica0306


	4. Chapter 4

At first I ran north to throw them off. I didn't want any of them to figure out what I had planned. I'm sure they wouldn't believe _I'd_ do something so careless anyway. They probably thought I was going shopping. This made me giggle.

Her smell hit me before I was even close to her house, which I found odd. Did she go hiking? Why was she out so far in the woods? Bella doesn't _hike_.

I smell the air and pick up a bunch of different scents… too many humans… and _werewolves_? This makes me nervous. Why was Bella _hiking _through the woods with a butt load of people and a pack of werewolves?

I knew I should never have left that girl. I almost want to call Edward to rub this in his face.

Bella's window is illuminated. It's late and I know she's lying in bed reading. I _saw_ it. I didn't like this vision though. She looked terrible and sad. My to-be-best-friend is sad. I know the reason. I'm part of the reason; well I am _sort_ of hoping I am. She must miss me a little, right?

"Alice?" Bella gasps as I enter through her bedroom window.

"Hey, Bella!" I cheer as I position myself Indian-style on the foot of her bed.

"What are you doing here?" she asks as she sits up. She looks hopeful and it boosts my resolve. It makes me feel like less of a traitor.

"Well, I came here… for you." I keep the smile on my face so as not to freak her out. "But, I _have_ to ask… were you out _hiking_ in the woods?"

My question makes her blush and I have to stop breathing. I should have eaten before I came over.

She doesn't answer me right away, but I can see the wheels turning in her head. She's thinking a whole lot about something. She shakes her head no.

"What do you mean you came here for me?" she finally asks.

"I mean exactly that. I came here for you. I want you to come with me. I want to turn you and_ then_ I want you to come with me. You are my best friend, or to-be-best-friend. I _don't _want you to grow old and die. I _want_ youto watch reruns of Gilmore Girls with me. Rose hates that show, but I can _see_ that you don't."

"You want to _turn_ me… where is Edward?" she looks around me to see out the bedroom window.

I was hoping she wouldn't ask that.

"He's run off, cry me a river style…if he could cry that is. He doesn't know I'm here. He would _kill_ me if he knew."

She is speechless. She goes to say something, but then just closes her mouth and shakes her head again.

"Bella, I just feel awful that we left… that _I _left without saying goodbye. I know my brother hurt you, but I want to make amends. It's up to you. I just wanted to give you the option. If you don't want this, then I still would like to be your friend… with what time you still have." I pray that she wants this, because watching her fade away will be torture.

Also, not to be mean or anything, but her "human moments" are kind of gross. I know she can't help it, and she is cute when she says those trying-to-be-polite-human-moment comments, but it just doesn't matter if you run the faucet. I have super hearing and smell.

"You said Edward ran off? What does that mean? He told me he didn't want me," she blubbers a little as she says this. I watch a tear trickle down her cheek.

I sigh. I can't help it. I'm looking at my little Bella with her big doe eyes and I just want to pinch her cheeks. Of course she would only care about Edward right now. This normally would make me super happy, because I _love_ talking boys. Even better because it would be talking boys with my to-be-best-friend. Just, not right now.

God, these two are made for each other.

"Um, I can't really speak for Edward. Sorry." I pause and then look her in the eyes. "I do need to know if you _want _this life, even if it's Edward-free."

I hate not telling her that Edward is an idiot. That he loves her. That he left to "protect" her. I just feel like it's not my place. That is something they are going to have to work out themselves. Later… after he murders me for doing the one thing he is protecting her from, well second thing.

"Bella, I saw our future together. We are going to be the best of friends. I thought long and hard about this. If our roles were reversed I would want you to change me. I'd be mad if you _didn't_ change me. I know you are heartbroken over my brother right now. I know you probably don't -" I don't get a chance to finish.

"Yes!" she pretty much shouts. "Yes."

My smile would hurt my face if I was still human.

"Do you think Edward will be mad at me for doing this? Will he be mad at you?" Bella whispers. I don't know why she is whispering. She was just shouting a second ago.

I push her gently on her shoulder and she rocks a little. I get a small smile out of her.

"Well, you know what I say. Ho's before Bro's!" I can't keep the giddiness out of my voice.

* * *

Jessica0306 is my HOmegurl.


	5. Chapter 5

My Denali bitches are more than happy to help me out. After Bella grabs a few keepsakes, I throw her on my back and bolt out the window. She isn't really comfortable with me carrying her. She says it just seems ridiculous, but I didn't have time to waste, we needed to hurry. I have a plan.

Step 1. _Get Bella situated with the Denali coven. Bite Her_.

Step 2. _Go back to Bella's and take her truck after her dad, Charlie, goes to work. Make it look like she was driving to school or something. Then drive it off a cliff. Tragic, but efficient._

Step 3. _Go shopping because I'm honestly throwing away all the clothes that she packed in her shitty duffle bag. I figure it would be better not to start an argument about it and just do it_. _It's always easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission._

Step 4. _Wait for her to wake up. Go over the finer details (aka Vampire 101). Take her out for her first hunting lesson. Just go with the flow._

Step 5. _Contact family. (This is the step I hate_.)

Step 6. _Take cover from the shit storm that will occur after telling family. Maybe hide out from Edward for awhile. Take a vaca. I'll probably wait until he is in a better mood before I come back… after he gets laid._ _Yeah, that sounds good._

Bella cries a little when I show her the PowerPoint presentation. I don't let it bother me, even though I worked really hard on it. I had even added pictures and graphics. She says Step Two is just a little hard to take. Then she says her dad's name and cries a little more.

Kate kind of freaks out when the tears appear and leaves the room. I am shocked that Tanya hands her a Coke. Shocked because I didn't think they would have Coke in the house. The sugar helps her a little, which gives me an idea.

"Um, Bella? Is there anything you would like to do before you… die?"

Her head shoots up and she looks at me like I am crazy.

"I mean, human stuff… like, you are drinking a Coke right now. You won't be able to do that anymore. Sugar… cakes… even pizza… you want to order a pizza?" I don't wait for a response and snap my fingers at Tanya. "Tanya, order a pizza and get like those bread things, too…"

I tap my finger on my chin as I chant _what else, what else_ in my head.

Irina, who has been quiet this whole time, sits up and adds, "You know what I think is hot, but can't enjoy now… smoking."

I actually think this is a good idea. If we get Bella high, then maybe she will be more relaxed when I sink my teeth in her.

"You have any pot?" I ask.

Irina raises her eyebrow. "What? Pot? No. No, I mean just cigarettes. Like, I find it sexy when a guy smokes. Would you like to try a cigarette, Bella?"

I want to tease her about the way she asked the question. _Would you like to try a cigarette?_ I giggle a little.

Bella is still just sitting there staring at us like we are crazy.

"No, I'm good thanks. Um, Alice, can we just get this over with. The anticipation is killing me and I'm not really in the mood to eat. You know, because you are about to kill me and I'm going to lose my mom and dad."

_Right._

Tanya comes back in holding a phone to her ear. "So, am I still ordering this pizza?"

_Right._

I shake my head and Tanya huffs. She snaps the phone closed without apologizing to the pizza place and takes a seat on the couch near Bella.

"So, is Edward going to be pissed or what?" Tanya asks with the biggest shit-eating grin I've ever seen her wear. Ah, she must be loving this.

I ignore her and Bella drops her head. I hope she doesn't cry again. I take this time to search my visions. Everything seems to be clear sailing, so I stand and hold my hand out towards Bella.

"Come on, Bells. I'll show you your room for the next few days."

She takes it reluctantly and follows me into the guest room. I give her a tight smile and before she can panic or pass out from nerves, I bite her right on the wrist as quick as a flash. Old school vamp style in the house!

She is all wide-eyed and spasming as I lay her on the bed. Her eyes close soon enough though. I back away after I tuck her in and leave the room.

I think about how much that last season of Grey's Anatomy sucked. Cause wow. That is what I get for not using my talent, afraid of spoilers. It really went downhill after season two. I think about this and how it could have been worth watching if I had got to hear Bella's sarcastic remarks while watching it.

I think about this as I close the bedroom door behind me.

"Ok, bitches. I'm heading out to set the scene. I won't be gone long, but if Jasper calls can you tell him I expect something wrapped in a blue box with a white bow waiting for me when I get home?"

Tanya, Irina, and Kate all walk me to the door like the good hostesses they are. We hug, wave, and even smile goodbye… while Bella cries out in the distance.

* * *

Jess is number 1 in the Hood, G.


	6. Chapter 6

Faking my semi-best friend's death is just too easy. The roads happen to be extra icy this morning when I drive her truck off the cliff. Even the guardrail had previously been damaged and the city is in the works of getting it fixed. The stars align for me.

I skip out of town right after. It's not like I am worried I am going to get caught, but I just have a _lot_ of shopping to do. I mean a _lot_. It isn't an excuse. I swear. Bella needs everything. Being the friend that I am, I need to make sure she is taken care of.

I haven't been able to really go this crazy for a long time. I usually only get to update our wardrobes here and there. I am in heaven.

At least, I was until reality came crashing down. It's day two and I am chin deep in purple and blue silk. I am trying to choose which color would look best on her, when I feel I should check to see how she is doing… and maybe cheat and _see_ which color would look best on her.

My visions alter from a sleeping Bella lying on a cushion top bed to Edward exposing himself to a bunch of Italians. What. The. Fuck.

Needless to say, I go into full panic mode. The clothes and bags are left discarded like cheap magazines and I hall ass back to my family. If anyone knows how to reach Edward, they will. I try calling his cell, but it goes straight to voicemail. I text while driving. What? I'm a vampire. Kids, don't try this at ho- I mean while driving.

As I pull into the driveway I am met with a disheveled mess. I've never seen Jasper so frantic. So scruffy. I kind of like this dirty-hippy-cowboy-thing he has going on. _Nice_. He is usually the epitome of cool though. Before I can even turn off my car, he is throwing open my door and ripping me out.

His hands brace my arms and his face is in my face as he whimpers, "Don't ever leave me like that again!"

_Sigh._

"I thought you left me… are you still mad… I. Am. So… sorry." He continues to apologize and I can't hide the grin on my face.

Oh right, Edward. _Shit_!

"Um, Jasper, baby, I love and miss you too, but um, we have a situation."

I am aware I am coming off as a Mega-Bitch 2000 as I brush him off and head inside the house. I leave him standing in the driveway by my open car.

"_Attention_, Everyone!" I yell as soon as I step foot inside.

"Alice, what is it?" Esme asks, seriously interested. Everyone else comes to join us, including my poor, dejected Jasper. He looks like someone just kicked his puppy.

"Edward is planning on getting himself killed!" I screech.

I am met with a chorus of mixed feelings.

"Pffft, Alice!" Emmett says as he rolls his eyes.

Rosalie chimes in with, "Oh, please."

All Jasper can say is, "Huh?"

Carlisle asks, puzzled, "Is this a joke?"

Esme looks at me with a worried expression and asks, "Alice, are you feeling okay?"

"Seriously, I just had a vision and I drove straight here. Edward is planning on pulling a stunt Kanye would be proud of. Pure diva. He's going to expose himself so the Volturi will rip him apart. Literally."

There is another chorus of questions and remarks. Carlisle holds up his hand to silence everyone.

"Why?" he asks. Well, all hail Caesar for taking charge.

"I just want to say that this experience has _really_ made me realize I need to take a project management course. This never would have happened if I would have factored Edward in as an action item."

"_Alice_?" Rosalie seethes. Can't she ever take it down a notch?

"He thinks Bella is dead." I huff.

"Why?" Carlisle asks again. This time he narrows his eyes at me. _Uh, oh._

"I may have bitten Bella, faked her death, and left her in Alaska. I really didn't think Edward would find out about this so soon, because he's supposed to be cutoff from civilization down in the heart of Brazil. So, I didn't check to see what his future was like in the effects of Bella's murder by my hands… which really isn't good planning… and I realize this… so like I said, I plan to really take that class…"

They don't let me finish. It's a shit storm of epic proportions. I did plan this at least.

* * *

**Action Item - **An action item is any task or activity, assignable to a resource, that needs to take place within the context of a project.

Jess doesn't text while driving because she does no wrong.


	7. Chapter 7

I am so _lucky_. I don't have to suffer through a huge yellathon, because, well, Edward's _life_ is in danger. They have to stop yelling at me in order to figure out what to do to save him.

You know how natural disasters really suck and can totally fuck up your day? I want to hug _this_ natural disaster.

"Shut up! Everyone, just shut up!" I yell.

Every hairy eyeball in the room is trained on me.

"Some _volcano_ is erupting, causing flight delays and cancellations all over the place. Edward is on the way to the airport now, but he won't be going anywhere for awhile. He's stuck like every other pissed off human," I explain.

I feel alive. I feel like a leader. Everyone is looking to me for guidance. I feel like Madonna on a Kabbalah tour!

"Esme… Carlisle…" I continue, pointing in their direction, "if you two jump in the car now you can catch him in time. If you want, you can just tell him Bella is fine, not dead, and bring him back. That it was just a misunderstanding. You don't have to dive into the whole Alice _turned_ Bella spiel yet.

Rose, Emmett, and Jasper, you should come with me. Bella will be waking up soon and I know a few extra hands wouldn't hurt. I was depending on the Denali sisters, but thinking about that now… it doesn't seem like such a good idea. They aren't really that reliable."

I only planned things this way because I want Esme and Carlisle as far away from me as possible. They can be so annoying. The others will be easy to win over once Bella wakes up. You know how I know? I've _seen_ it. Esme and Carlisle will just moan and complain.

I rattle off the details to everyone. Apparently Edward plans on _running_ to Texas where he will catch an international flight. He is picky about his airlines. Don't look at me; he's the prissy one.

The stars really have aligned for me.

Jasper's eyes are all bright and happy. I think he is just glad I included him in accompanying me to Alaska. _Sigh_.

"Alice, you aren't off the hook. We'll discuss this when we get back," Carlisle warns. Then he and Esme disappear out the front door. All I see are streaks of white, and then you hear a car peel out of the driveway. I'm just glad it's not my Porsche.

Rosalie still looks pissed, but I just shrug. Honestly, when _isn't_ she pissed?

"Come on gang, we have a sister to greet!" I cheer.

"Are you fucking serious right now?" Rosalie fumes.

"Rose, I swear if I didn't know any better I'd say you were PMS-ing, but it's impossible because you are dead _and_ you are like this every day," I retort.

I think she's about to attack me because Emmett is holding her back… with Jasper's help. I am so sick of her attitude. I kind of wish they would let her go. With my hands on my hips, I make sure I glare all fierce like.

"Guess what? Bella is gonna wake up and freak out. Jasper is gonna have to use his hippy vibrational energy to calm her down. Once she is all mellow and groovy again, we are going to teach her how to hunt. Once fed, we are gonna have a little Q and A. She'll be covered in blood. We'll all sit down under a canopy of trees. Then, for some reason we _all_ start singing Billy Joel's _Piano Man_. I wanted that part to be a surprise, but your attitude made me spoil it. Happy now? You ruined Bella's vampire Birthday! But that is what is gonna happen. Everything is gonna be okay. Okay?" I rant.

Emmett lets go of Rosalie and claps his hands together. "This is fantastic! I'm going to make Bells eat a bear."

I stop and check things out. "Yeah, she's cool with that."

There are grins now. Rosalie is fighting hers.

"Piano Man? Really?" Rosalie asks.

"Yep," I say, popping the _p_ because it annoys her.

* * *

Jess completes me.


	8. Chapter 8

Everyone was so over-excited about our Kumbaya moment, singing old school Billy, that we almost mucked it up. Well, Emmett almost did. He kept humming it, trying to push it to happen before I _saw_ it happening. It turned out well, though.

All we were missing were swaying beer glasses in our hands.

Now, I'm all flustered because my shopping excursion was sabotaged by He Who Shall Not Be Named and Bella has, like, one outfit. Ok, maybe I am exaggerating a bit. She may have more than a few things to choose from. The trunk of my car may have been swollen with silk and chiffon. _Whatever_. I still feel like a failure.

"Bella, we have been over this. Your clothes are gone. If you want to wear something blood splatter-less, then you have to choose something from here," I said while pointing to a pile of overstuffed shopping bags.

"I can't believe you threw away my clothes! It was _my_ stuff," Bella whined.

"I was doing you a favor. That is what friends are for. Listen, can we skip the newborn tantrum? Just go shower and get dressed. I don't have to see into the future to know that you will have to eventually accept your situation."

Bella stomps her foot, lets out a huff, grabs a random bag, and then locks herself in the nearest bathroom.

No one says anything, but Kate lets a giggle slip and we all hear Bella yell, "I heard that, and it's not funny!" from the bathroom.

Everyone else is nestled around the house. You would think Tanya, Kate, and Irina would be upset having all of us just show up and crash at their place, but they're not. They are such attention whores. I'm surprised they haven't yelled out _party,_ while turning out the lights and rolling out some makeshift dance floor.

Which gives me an idea…

I turn towards Jasper and Emmett, who have already busted out a chess set like two starving nerds.

"We should turn on some music and have a little party. Like a vampire birthday party for Bella." OK, so maybe _I'm_ the attention whore.

Tanya and her sisters walk in from the dining room where they were secretly working on a gift for Bella. It still is a secret, except I was curious to what they were doing in there and used my talent to cheat. I guess glass painting is a traditional thing for them as well as giving flowers to someone on their birthday, so they combined the two to create a really pretty vase for her. It's actually really sweet and I am floored for a moment over their thoughtfulness. I want to cause a scene, but then I remember that I'm not supposed to know yet.

"I'm in, if Alice doesn't get to pick the music," Rosalie calmly states from the living room.

"_Excuse_ me?" I snap.

"No offense, Alice, but you have, like, the worst taste in music," Bella replies, coming out of the bathroom.

"What? You are crazy. _My_ music is happy, makes people happy, and motivates people to dance. How is that bad?"

"It's like regurgitated pop," Rosalie adds while flipping through a magazine. She's sprawled out on the couch like she lives here or something.

"No one asked you!" I retort.

"More like disco rock with a splash of indie grunge," Jasper adds without looking away from the game.

"It's like someone vomited colors and electronic noise…" Emmett joins in while claiming one of Jasper's pawns.

"You can all bite me. And Jasper, you listen to country. You are in no position to judge." I cross my arms and glare at everyone.

Bella closes the distance between us and whispers softly, "By the way, there were no bras in that bag… so I am kind free-balling it feminist style right now. Did you happen to pick up any _before_ you threw away my stuff?" She has to know everyone can still hear her, right?

I point to a different bag and she grabs it and disappears back into the bathroom.

"You know you don't actually _need _one, right? Hell, I never wear underwear anymore… unless recreational purposes call for it," Tanya divulges freely. I know Bella can hear her because she gasps from behind the closed door.

"_Nice_." Emmett stresses the word. Rosalie throws her magazine, smacking him in the head. Jasper and Kate laugh.

"Oh my god, we can fill up those big fake syringes with blood and do like shots. You know, like humans do with alcohol. Oh! We should put on _Vampire_ Weekend… oh, and like Monster Mash." Irina is laughing as she finishes the last part.

I roll my eyes even though it sounds like fun.

I walk over to the sound system and hook up my iPod. I pick a random playlist and pump up the volume. I can still hear everyone's groans over the music.

Bella comes out of the bathroom wearing a very cute outfit, if I do say so myself, but looking rather glum. I grab her hand and lead her out the back door of the house.

"Your throat hurting real bad?" I ask.

Bella sighs. "Yeah, that hurts too."

"Ah, this is about my brother." I pull her into a tight hug. I can do that now and you don't know how awesome that makes me feel.

"Does he know, Alice?" she mumbles into my shoulder. She's not hugging me back. Her arms are limp noodles (well, like, _rock_ noodles) at her sides, but she is resting her head on my shoulder.

"No, not yet… but soon," I answer. Carlisle and Esme are being as vague as they can with Edward. It's only a matter of time though, before one of them thinks about what was said and he reads their minds.

"Do you think he will hate me?" she sighs.

"No," I answer honestly. He's going to hate me.

She pulls away from me and huffs. "It doesn't matter. _He _left _me_. Its just… it still hurts. I was hoping it wouldn't hurt so much, or I would forget once I changed or something. I thought human memories were supposed to fade. What a crock."

"Oh Bella, we don't need men. We'll be like the Beales… have just as much fun… and be just as crazy," I elate.

"Hey!" Jasper shouts from inside.

"Oh, shut up, Jasper!" I yell at the house. I bring my attention back to Bella. "We could buy a dilapidated house by the sea and, like, wear extravagant clothing and dance in the rain." It sounds cool when I say it, but I hope she's not taking me _completely_ seriously. I do love Jasper and couldn't be parted from him for long.

I search my visions for two bitter lunatics living in a cat-infested house. I come up with nothing. _Phew_.

Bella shakes her head and lets out a soft laugh. "It's a nice thought and all, but I don't want to become a Miss Havisham. You'd abandon me after a week without Jasper and I'll be stuck all alone, pining for the guy who ran off and left me. And _knowing_ you I'd be dressed in some crazy-ass lace costume with veil and all. It would be perfect."

"That's a pretty good analogy. She did die by fire. We can pretty much only die by fire."

"Yeah, even quoting her would work… _to show you that I am not all stone. But perhaps you can never believe, now, that there is anything human in my heart_."

"Oh! Um… I could say, _What have I done! What have I done!_" I cry out despairingly like I'm supposed to.

"What the _hell_ are you two doing?" Rosalie questions from the doorway. She's standing there looking at us like we are insane.

Bella and I laugh. Of course Bella could get me to bond over literature.

"Nothing," we answer at the same time. Oh, man. This is great.

"You two are so morbid," Rosalie says and then leaves us to our giggles.

* * *

Here are some songs from Alice's playlist:

The Rapture - Out of the races and onto the tracks

New Young Pony Club - Ice Cream

YELLE - JE VEUX TE VOIR

Dr. Martens 50 - Buraka Som Sistema cover Neneh Cherry's Buffalo Stance

This would have been posted sooner but I suck and went on vacation.

Jess (because I KNOW you love it) - _No matter how long it takes, no matter how far, I will find you!_


	9. Chapter 9

In any other house, we would be surrounded by junk food. We'd also smell, I bet.

"_Hello_, you guys?" Rose calls from the hallway.

Rose enters the living room finding Bella and I glued to the couch.

"Seriously… you have been sitting in front of the TV for two days," Rose complains. "What are you watching now?"

"_Clueless_," we say at the same time, still staring at the scene.

"Sheesh, at least it's not the Lifetime channel anymore. Maybe you guys should go outside for a little while. Fresh air?"

"_Shh_! Dang Rose, you keep yapping through all the good parts!" I bark. Bella laughs next to me at something I just missed and I glare at Rose while throwing my arms up in frustration. I then gesture to the screen. "Now I just missed that too!"

I give her a questioning look, but she just shrugs and then plops down on the couch next to us.

By the time we are halfway through _Romy and Michele's High School Reunion_ we have accumulated more couch potatoes. The Denali bitches have joined us and are spread around the living room as well.

"Who redecorated the living room with all these statues?" Emmett's voice bellows around us.

None of us acknowledge him. Or move.

"Welcome to la casa de Castel Sant'Angelo!" Jasper adds. God, he is so sappy.

Emmett claps his ginormous hands together to catch our attention. We still don't move.

"So, don't you think maybe we should _talk_ about things… or something?" he asks.

"Talk about what?" Bella responds. She still is staring at the TV.

"That's it!" Jasper yells. He grabs the remote before we can react and turns it off. Damn, if I wasn't such a TV zombie I would have seen it coming.

"Hey!" we all shout.

"They were just about to do that cheesy dance," Tanya whines.

"You should be thanking me," Jasper quips.

"Ladies, come on. You know what I am getting at," Emmett says.

"Don't, not yet," I plea.

I search my visions and see them shifting. I _did _(until Emmett had to go and change his mind_) _have a couple days before Esme was to let her guard down (which I don't really blame her for because she just misses us). Edward _was_ going to find out _then_ that his siblings have been hiding in Alaska, which would make him demand to know _why_, which would lead to him catching a snippet of her thinking about Bella, which would make him freak out and demand to know what Bella had to do with us being in Alaska, which would crack Esme's resolve resulting in the truth, which would cause him to run his ass up here to beat my ass, which was one of the reasons I was so engrossed with escaping through bad television. It is easier than worrying about what was coming.

But now Emmett is changing all this by deciding that we should tell Bella and to call our parents. He feels it's best to reunite the family. He is such a mama's boy!

"Alice, he's right," Rosalie says softly. I roll my eyes. Of course! She's such a traitor.

"Um, what are you guys talking about? What is Emmett right about?" Bella asks.

Tanya is grinning like a loon. Kate and Irina are all ears. If they were human I bet _anything_ that they would be shoveling popcorn down their throats. They are enjoying this show way more than the movie we were just watching.

"I'm calling mom and dad… and Edward," Emmett states proudly. I noticed his hesitation when saying _his_ name. I know he's not as confident as he's trying to make himself appear. He doesn't want to upset Bella anymore than me. He is just more homesick.

"_He_ should know," Rosalie adds. It's times like these I wish vampires could bruise, because I really wanted to give her a shiner.

Bella is staring at the TV like it's still on.

"Bella…" I sigh.

"I need to hunt," she claims and then stands up suddenly. I rush over to stand at her side. Before she can protest, I take her hand and we dash out of the house.

I know she doesn't really have to hunt. For a newborn she has adapted faster than anyone I know, not including me of course. It's part of her laid-back personality that I dig so much. She's just too lethargic to be bloodthirsty. She'd rather just chill. Plus, she just ate yesterday.

I can hear Emmett dialing as we flee. I can hear him tell the person on the other end that _it's time_. I can feel Bella's hand tighten around mine.

"Alice, what do you see?" Bella whispers. The wind almost washes away her voice.

What I _see _is a very pissed off older brother. Oh, brother! _Literally_. He's coming.

"I see him making an appearance soon." I gulp. I think I instinctively built up excess venom. I know she is waiting for more information, but she doesn't ask. I think about what to say next. I don't really _know _what to say.

"There are many ways this can play out, but there is only one constant. He's gonna kill me."

* * *

Jessica0306 is the Jenna to my Liz.


	10. Chapter 10

I don't know who is more nervous to see Edward, me or Bella. I mean, on one hand, my ex isn't on his way to see me, which is always _awkward_. So, Bella is fretting over Edward's reaction. In her mind, she sees herself as Edward's ex. At least, that's how she thinks _Edward_ sees her – as his ex. Now she's immortal _and_ an ex. An immortal ex that now hangs out with his family. So, for all eternity he will have to deal with his ex hanging out… _forever_. Do you see where I am going with this? So, of course she is all kinds of freaked out.

However, she doesn't have to worry about him coming to kill her. I'm sure they will work it out in the end. Sigh, I mean I _know_ they will. My issue is the present. He keeps changing his mind so fast I'm getting brain freeze. That is what it feels like anyway - like a sharp, stinging pain of cold venom to the skull.

I inform the family when he is a few miles out, and we decide to wait in the living room for his arrival. No one is moving or breathing or talking. We look like a still shot catalog photo of the perfect Disneyesque family.

Edward burst through the door ripping it off its hinges. He's just standing there, staring at us like a madman. Irina stands up to bitch about the door, but once she sees his face she immediately sits back down.

Tanya's calm demeanor changes into that of a giddy school girl. She is bobbing up and down with a ridiculous grin plastered on her face. Jasper wraps his arm around my waist and squeezes to let me know I don't need to worry. My man wouldn't let _anything_ happen to me. It is a sweet gesture, but I am still worried. Edward may not be a great fighter, but he can read your mind… and the fucker is fast.

Looking at Bella I can see she carried over the habit of biting her lip. She is sitting there gnawing at it as Edward takes her in. I hope she doesn't bite it off by accident using her vampire strength.

Edward's head snaps immediately to mine after I think the word vampire.

_Oh, shit._

"You didn't!" he roars.

His body goes tense and he crouches down in a menacing position. Everyone else goes tense as well. Everyone is on alert. Bella looks over towards me with the most heartbreaking expression. I hate him right now. Seriously, boys are so stupid. It's the first time he sees her since he broke her heart and he acts like this. All "Look At Me Mr. Macho Man". He can't just say hello?

I give her a small smile and stand. Jasper moves with me, keeping his arm around me. I brush him off and take two steps towards Edward.

"Edward, maybe we should go somewhere to talk?" I say it more like a question.

He growls at me in response. I swallow. I kinda want to take a step back, but I don't. Emmett stands up, too.

"Hey, cool it Edward," Emmett scolds.

Edward doesn't remove his glare from me and I swallow again.

I _see_ it right before it happens. I _see_Edward spring at me purely all animalistic instincts and snapping teeth. I see him get a good hold on me before anyone has a chance to debunk him. Jasper's in a bad spot because I have my back to him, blocking him from any defensive shielding. Of course I also took those two stupid steps away. Plus, Jasper hadn't been _truly_ worried. I mean, this is our brother, his best friend. He isn't on _high_ alert.

I _see_ it and then it's happening.

But then it's not.

Because Bella makes a decision after he springs to attack. Bella who is conveniently located in the space between us. Bella who jumps in front of me in a protective stance and growls like a ravenous lioness. This brings Edward to a screeching halt.

I want to laugh at the comedic face he makes, but this is not the time.

However, Rosalie and Tanya find this is _exactly_ the right time. They are laughing so hard they'd probably pee their pants if they were human.

I look down at Bella who is still crouching like a little Kung Fu princess in front of me. I am sure I'm looking at her with a surprised expression - the whole open-mouthed, wide-eyed expression. She totally just saved me. She totally just saved me from her own _mate_. Ok, so now I'm looking at her like I just won the lottery.

Edward is glaring at me again. I can't help it if he can read my gloating thoughts. _Take that Edward! What!_

"Hey, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. It's ok, I got this now," Jasper whispers near Bella's ear. This seems to snap her out of her spell (I'm sure Jasper's calming abilities help as well) and she stands back up at full height. Jasper is in front of me now. I can feel the anger flowing out of him. I have to take a step away from him because _his_ anger is pissing _me_ off. If I don't, I will only get pissed at him by association for making me angry by mistake. His ability can be frustrating. Now is not the time to be getting into a fight with your mate over absolutely nothing.

"I thought you were a gentleman, Edward. I didn't take you as one for attacking girls," Jasper snarls.

This comment gets Edward's attention. The fire inside him seems to die a little and I almost feel bad.

Maybe if I hadn't _seen_ what _could_ have happened I would feel more remorse?

I notice Bella has her head down and is shaking somewhat.

"Bella, are you ok?" I ask. Everyone turns to look at her.

Her shoulders are slumped and her hair is covering her face. She just shakes her head _no_ so slightly a human would have missed it.

I swear everyone woman in this room snaps their head towards Edward's direction and glares like nobody's business.

"Bella…" Edward sighs and reaches out his hand. Even though her hair is covering her face she seems to sense his movements and backs up a little.

She turns to me and asks, "Can we get out of here for a minute?" I just nod and back up towards the kitchen where the backdoor can be found.

Edward's whole body slumps and he looks devastated. Ok, so now I feel bad.

We scurry out the backdoor and climb into my pretty little car. The radio is on too loud but we don't reach to turn it down.

After the lyrics hit us we both explode into laughter. I feel high. Maybe it's all the venom pumping like adrenaline through our veins from what just happened, but we can't stop laughing. We drive off while Queen's _You're My Best Friend_ blares from the car's speakers.

* * *

Jessica0306 had my back for this.


	11. Chapter 11

It's still pretty early in Bella's transformation, so we have to avoid the city for now.

But after awhile it gets kind of boring driving around in the middle of nowhere. Bella and I have been giving each other awkward glances for about an hour now. We ran out of songs that we could agree on. We played a few games until we were both too annoyed by them to ever want to play again. For instance, I would say a movie quote and she would guess the movie. Or I would name a designer and she would name the label. She was terrible at that.

So, we are glancing and driving in circles.

Have you ever been trapped in a confined space for a long period of time with another person? Even though I love my new Bella, I kind of want to kill her right now.

This can't be good.

"Let's get out and run!" I shriek while throwing the car in park.

There is nothing better than some fresh air after being claustrophobically confined in a stifling car with an on-edge-manic (because of her newborn status). Her mood swings are off the chart. Every once in a while her whole decorum changes and it looks like she's in pain. I know that is when she is thinking about Edward.

I let Bella run ahead of me. I want to keep my eyes on her. Except now I am noticing all the knots in her long hair. It's going to be some work to get those bad boys out. I _look_ ahead and see three shattered combs. Eh, that's not that bad.

While studying her tangles I don't noticed that she has stopped. A flash of the future gives me a slight advantage, but I still run into her. It's like hitting a brick wall.

I even make a sound, like _oomph_.

Never in all my vampire years have I ever been caught off guard. I am really losing it.

"How much longer am I going to be this blood thirsty freak?" Bella asks. She is still standing with her back to me while I straighten my clothes. I really hit her hard and she didn't budge at all.

"The blood lust is strongest the first few months, but you will still be crazy for about a year. It takes time to adapt."

"I think we should go back and get this over with… but Alice?" Bella is asking for something, but I know she is just hesitant to say it. I don't respond. I just wait for her to let it out.

"I think I would like to travel. Would you come with me for awhile… you know, when I am ready to be around people?"

The things I _see_ make me smile. Bella is a hungry little travel bug. I _see_ us prancing around plazas and climbing cliffs. I _see_ my arms full of shopping bags while Bella grabs up more brochures from a hotel lobby. I _see_ ruins and museums and outside cafes where we pretend to smoke cigarettes and drink coffee. I _see_ us dressed in borrowed kimonos while we take in the city's culture. I _see_ us snapping pictures from the Great Wall.

I also _see _us saying goodbye and my smile disappears.

"How about this? I promise to go with you, but when I am ready to come home, you have to promise come with me."

She tenses up, but then nods. "Alright. I promise."

I check my visions and when I am satisfied with what I see (Bella stuck in high school with the rest of us) my smile returns and I jump up and down while clapping my hands.

"Oh Bella! You are going to love Taiwan." I squeal.

"What?" She looks perplexed.

"Don't worry about it. Worry about now… shall we go say hello to Edward?"

Bella messes with her hair. She's sort of scratching her scalp and fluffing her hair at the same time. My vision changes to four shattered combs.

"I guess," she finally answers.

"Carlisle and Esme are anxious to see you again. We'll probably end up heading straight home. I know Emmett is eager to see mom."

"Um, Alice. Maybe I should stay with Tanya and the others…"

I stop walking. "What!"

"You know, I mean, it's going to be kind of awkward. I don't want to cause anymore strife for your family."

Bella sighs and continues. "I don't think Edward will appreciate me living with you guys."

"Fuck Edward!" I growl. "He'll get over it. You _are_ family now."

Bella sighs again.

I tug on her arm. "Come on. Let's get you home. Your hair is bothering the shit out of me. You a need a brush like Lindsay Lohan needs rehab."

Bella barks out a laugh.

"Or maybe more like, you need a brush like Lindsay needs a coke spoon. Cause let's face it - she'll get more use out of the spoon."

Bella is still laughing, but chokes out an almost inaudible, "Alice you are so egotistic."

I just smile and shrug as I lead her back to the car. We are arm and arm, laughing the whole way.

"Or you need a brush like Lindsay needs a get-out-of-jail-free card? Yeah, too easy… and this joke is so overdone now."

The house is eerily quiet when we pull up. Rosalie and Emmett are standing on the front porch. As we glide out of the car, Edward appears in the doorway, and boy is he in a state.

He looks about as sane as a mental patient. As I think this, he frowns.

So now he looks like a sad mental patient. He sighs and rolls his eyes while running his hands through his hair.

Bella has on her big girl panties (metaphorically speaking of course. I think she has been hanging out with Tanya too long). So, three things are happening; I'm watching Bella approach Edward calmly. When she is standing in front of him, she says his name, "Edward," as in greeting.

Secondly, I am thinking about her lack of underwear by accident because of my big girl panty analogy.

Thirdly, Edward is listening to my thoughts and groans a little when he hears them.

I smirk.

If Bella is confused by Edward's groan, she doesn't let on. She says his name lithely. She's a smart cookie though. I'm sure she realizes he is just reading other people's thoughts.

"Bella," he responds. His hand moves as if to touch her, but he thinks better of it and recoils it back.

Rosalie makes her way over to me and barely whispers, "You've been gone for two days and left me here with his brooding ass. Next time you better bring me with or I swear I'll hide all your credit cards."

I tap my head as if to remind her that I will _know_ if she plans on following through with her threat.

She doesn't bat an eyelash to my action. "I'd find a way."

"Ok, everyone, lets load up. We have a drive ahead of us and mom and dad are expecting us," Emmett announces.

Jasper comes around the house to stand beside me. Guess he didn't want to ask Edward to move away from the front door, since he was blocking it and all. Tanya, Irina, and Kate come around the side of the house as well. They call out Bella's name and this allows Bella to walk away from her awkward meet and greet.

They all take a turn hugging her and present her with a gift. They tell her it was going to be a birthday gift, but now it's going to be a farewell gift. Bella holds it like it's made of glass and she's afraid she's going to break it.

Oh hell, it is made of glass… and she's got newborn strength.

I rush over and take it from her. "I'll hold on to it for you, for now."

Bella gives me a thankful smile.

Then we all take turns saying goodbye and make our way towards the two vehicles. We don't even have to say anything about seating arrangements. It's like an unspoken rule that those two are to be separated. Bella climbs in with Jasper and me. Rosalie and Emmett climb into Edward's car.

Tanya yells, "You guys are welcome back anytime! We haven't had this much fun in decades," as we pull away.

I get a text as soon as we hit the highway. It's from Edward. He's asking for permission to speak to Bella, alone, when we get home. I text him back telling him that it's not up to me and add _duh_ to emphasize this fact. He texts back that he plans on asking her, but would appreciate if I step back and give them some privacy. I text back that he needs to stop being such a brat and to just ask her to take a walk or something when we all get back, and let her decide. He texts back some snotty remark about me being a bitch. So, I start to text back where he can shove _his_ phone when Jasper grabs _my_ phone out of my hand.

"It's against the law to text and drive, you know," Jasper scolds.

"Did you forget that I have vampire reflexes?" I snap.

"No, but you need to relax. Your hands were flying a hundred miles a second. It was bound to short circuit."

Bella giggles. I scoff.

Well, at least the drive is pleasant. I don't have to worry about anything for a couple hours. I could tell Bella about Edward's surprise meeting, but I _see_ that it's better if she isn't expecting it. She worries too much. There are many ways this can play out. I hope Edward doesn't fuck it up.

* * *

This is dedicated to Jessica0306 and Parasilla.


	12. Chapter 12

On the drive back, Jasper and I try to explain to Bella why concerts are a bad idea. All those sweaty adrenaline junkies packed into one space, even if it's outside, is tough. Even on Carlisle's psyche. Blood pumping, music blaring, and most likely being sardined together with them, would only equal trouble. Bella does not take this well. I think this devastates her more than anything else she's learned or been through so far.

"No more live shows… ever?" she asks.

"Nope," I reply, popping the _p_ to emphasize the travesty.

She is still sulking in the back seat as we pull up.

Edward, Rosalie, and Emmett beat us home. Carlisle and Esme are standing with the three stooges. Edward's face lights up when we exit the car. I have no idea why the sudden mood change until I _see_ his new plan of attack. He must have read Jasper's thoughts regarding Bella's concert heartbreak. Oh, that sneaky, suave bastard. Of course my music loving brother would find a way to still enjoy such luxuries. He smirks as he reads my thoughts and I wink at him.

Edward makes his way over to us. I turn to Bella.

"I'm sorry," I say to her. I grab some luggage, relieving Jasper of the whole burden, and then hightail it inside. I know she's going to be pissed at me for leaving her unprepared.

I'm mid-sprint and half way up the stairs when Esme calls my name. The soft mothering tone is gone and replaced with a different mothering tone - one no daughter likes to hear. I stop, but don't acknowledge her presence. She's standing at the bottom of the staircase. Carlisle is with her.

"When you are finished unpacking we would like to have a word with you. Meet us in Carlisle's study." I hear her enter the kitchen. I sense that Carlisle is still standing there and without looking, I know he is shooting daggers at me. I just continue my sprint up the stairs and quickly hide in the room I share with Jasper. My stuff is put away in two seconds flat. Now I am just buying time. I never understand why we have our meetings in his study. There is no privacy in a house of vampires. We might as well hold it in the living room with everyone present.

I make my way into the study. They have the room set up to match their mood. Curtains are drawn shut. The lights are dimmed low. Carlisle is sitting behind his huge, insanely overpriced lacquered desk. Esme is standing rigid next to him with her arms crossed. I feel like I'm in one of those cheesy dramatic novels, where you find out your adopted parents have some dark secret and you're about to be locked in the attic or something.

I scan through my visions to find a very long, very boring lecture ahead of me. I sigh and let them begin. I sit obediently and let them go over why my actions were drastic, risky, and wrong. How I upset Edward. How I went against the family's wishes. Yadda. Yadda. I know that if I pretend to look remorseful they will let me go eventually.

They do.

I mean, what else are they going to do? Spank me?

They do ground me. _I know!_ They take away my car privileges, and I'm only allowed to leave the house to hunt twice a week.

I say some weak apologies and go to exit the room.

"Oh, and you aren't allowed to correspond with Jasper without supervision while under your restrictions," adds Esme as I make my leave.

"What!" I yell the same time as Jasper. We can all hear him shout from downstairs. "You can't be serious?" I argue. I can hear Emmett and Rosalie snickering.

"Deadly. You lost your boyfriend privileges until your probation is over," Carlisle says sternly.

"So, I'm in prison now?" I snarl.

"And why am I being punished?" Jasper protests. He's standing in the doorway now looking furious. "Shouldn't I get prison visitation rights?"

"We all know that Alice isn't really being punished if she spends the next two weeks holed up in her room with you," Esme says, pointing in Jasper's direction.

"Aren't you taking this parenting thing a bit too seriously? I mean, for one thing, Jasper and I are _married_… a few times over. It's not like he's a _boyfriend_. I'm not _really_ a teenager."

"You actions speak otherwise," Carlisle bites back.

"Harsh," I murmur.

"We aren't budging on this. You are bunking with Bella for the next two weeks. She is under your care for now anyway," states Esme.

I know that no matter what Edward says to Bella, she wouldn't be comfortable sharing a room with him yet. I guess this isn't so bad. We could have slumber parties, just without the sleep part. At least neither of us will end up with a bra in the freezer or a hand in a bowl of warm water.

"Let's go, Jasper," I grumble. I grab his hand and drag him out of the room.

"But, Alice!" he whines, allowing me to drag him downstairs to the living room. We find Emmett and Rosalie watching some dinosaur show on the Discovery channel. They are both giggling and I know it's not because of the show.

"Shut up!" Jasper and I say at the same time. We flop down on the couch.

About a half hour later, Edward walks in the front door. None of us say anything. He just takes a seat and acts like whatever is on the television is the most intriguing thing ever. Bella enters a few minutes later looking dazed. I know their talk went well, but they are both so stubborn that they really didn't accomplish much.

They made a date for tomorrow night though. So, there is that.

"Alice, can I talk to you alone?" Bella asks.

"She's grounded. She can't leave the house," Esme explains. I roll my eyes.

Emmett shuts off the TV and stands up. "Well, since Alice can't leave, maybe we could all go hunt and let them have some privacy." He's the best big brother.

"Hey!" whines Edward.

"What? He is. Plus, you tried to kill me a few days ago!" I dispute.

"You turned my girl into a vampire!" he shouts.

Bella puts her hands on her hips and growls, "I'm not your girl."

We both ignore her. "Oh, please. Like you aren't thrilled that you can finally touch her without breaking her."

Edward clenches his teeth and snarls.

Emmett slaps Edward on the back. "OK, fellas. Time to leave the little ladies to their girl talk."

Everyone files out of the house. Edward doesn't stop glaring at me until we have to break eye contact.

When Bella and I know they are out of earshot, we relax and sit down on the couch.

"I think I am in trouble," Bella says. Well, this is interesting.

"Why is that?" I ask.

"Well, I was outside thinking, right? I needed to clear my head. I'm still insanely pissed at Edward for all that shit he pulled, but what is freaking me out is… that I really want to fuck him."

Thank God I wasn't drinking anything, because I would have just spit it out all over everything in front of me. I _so_ wasn't expecting her to say that.

"What!" I can't help but shriek.

"I know!" Bella whines, while throwing her hands up.

Huh, well, I guess it makes sense. Oh, this does suck for her. I lean over and pat her hand.

"Bella, he's your mate. Your instincts are kicking in. Especially being a newborn - it's hard to control them. I don't know why I didn't think of this before."

"Thank _God _he can't read my mind," she sighs.

I can't help but laugh. Bella just rubs her face with both hands.

"You are so fucked! No pun intended," I say while laughing some more.

* * *

Jess has a parasite growing inside her, so I have been pushed to the side. She no longer cares about me or my chapters. Stupid Parasilla.

Ok, she did help out a lot with this… but still.


	13. Chapter 13

It is funny how quickly things can escalate. We had all decided to play a simple family game of Pictionary, which is when things got out of control.

Edward is currently in Jasper's face yelling like a mad man. Esme is trying to get Rosalie to calm down. Emmett is tugging on Rosalie's shirt attempting to pull her back down on the couch next to him. More like tearing that three hundred dollar shirt. Stupid oaf. And the rest of us are just sitting back wide-eyed.

"Clearly that's a prostitute," Jasper gripes loudly, pointing at the large piece of paper hanging on the wall.

"Anyone with any sense could see that person is _chaperoning_ a smaller person," Edward objects.

"The word was _chaperone_. Not escort. She clearly drew a hooker of some kind," Jasper fires back. "Why is the smaller person fat? I'll tell you why - because it's a fat rich guy being escorted by a hooker."

"Kids are fatter these days," Rosalie snaps back.

"What? That is crazy!" Jasper wails. "Alice, come on, help me out here."

I shrug, trying to throw the attention off me, but everyone continues to stare at me. "Well, Rosalie isn't known for her artistic abilities, Jas. Maybe you should cut her a break," I mutter. Anything I say is going to make me the bad guy.

"Hey!" Rosalie hollers.

"Alright, enough. Edward, you aren't even on their team. Jasper, Rose, Em, and Esme, I'm sorry but you don't get to advance this round," Carlisle interjects, trying to move the game along.

"I'm not playing anymore if I have to be on Rose's team. I made that known before we even started. Rose and I can't be on the same team. I'm sorry. Everyone knows this. Edward and Rose always band together. He's defending her and he's not even on her team!"

"And what did I say? You need to learn to get along with your sister. Bonding time," Carlisle replies smoothly.

"Oh, cut the crap, Dad! We all know Alice is still being punished, or I should say, _we're_ being punished by keeping us separated. You won't even let us play on the same team."

"He's always this pissy when he doesn't get laid. You know this, Carlisle," Emmett states very seriously, looking him right in the eyes. "You brought this upon the family with your own actions."

Bella leans over to whisper in my ear. "Is that true?"

I nod my head yes. "Oh yes, he gets very grumpy."

Bella wrinkles her nose in disgust.

"No, Alice. Not that. Do Edward and Rose really always band together? Like Jasper said?" She is whispering super low, but my thoughts give the conversation away to my stupid nosey brother.

"Yeah, they are both competitive assholes," I say in Edward's direction to spite him. "They seem to combine their evil."

Bella looks a little glum. I guess she didn't like my answer. Oh, I see. Someone's a little jealous. I look at Jasper. He is smirking at me. He feel's it. I look at Edward. He looks too smug. That shit just made his day.

"It's a good thing you're here though, because he can't read your thoughts. He can't cheat now."

I look over at Edward and he is frowning now. "I don't cheat."

Everyone stops their side conversations to stare at him. Emmett is the only one to speak up. "Bull."

Edward grumbles something under his breath.

"Ok, dear. It's your turn," Esme says to Bella.

Bella grabs a card and hides it from our sneaky vampire vision. She walks up and flips the paper over to reveal a new blank page. Rosalie grabs the timer, sets it, and then shouts, "Go."

Within seconds, Bella has drawn an immaculate replica of the Golden Gate Bridge.

"Bridge," our whole team shouts.

Bella clicks the cap back on the Sharpie and slinks back to her spot on the couch. She breathes out a, "Yep." That girl still hates being the center of attention.

Jasper throws his arms up. "Yes, that _is_ a bridge. I can _see_ a bridge."

"Oh, shut up Jasper," Esme says. I laugh. It takes a lot for Esme to crack.

"Alright, I think that's enough for tonight. I don't want anyone to lose an appendage. Some of you have school in the morning," Carlisle says, while throwing the game back in the box.

I'm about to grab Bella and drag her upstairs, but Edward cuts me off.

"Bella, would you like to go for a walk?" he asks shyly. They have been _talking_ for the last week. She replies with a positive answer tonight, but sometimes she makes up an excuse. It keeps him on his toes. He never knows what she'll say.

"Edward," I whine. "I wanted Bella tonight." I can't _help_ but whine. I'm on lock down. Jasper and I aren't allowed to be in the same room together without supervision. I'm bored as all hell.

Bella gives me a look that says she is sorry, but not really sorry.

"I'll bring her home early," he replies.

"Liar," I nag. "I see you bringing her home right before we all leave for school."

"Hey, at least you get to go to school. I'm stuck here all day by myself. Esme is busy with that greenhouse she is building and Carlisle is at work. I can't even help Esme, because my newborn strength still makes it difficult to handle fragile living things… even plants. You should have seen what I did to her tomatoes."

I laugh. I can't help it. "Oh, Bella. Are you _really _complaining about missing school? High school?"

Bella pretends to ponder this question, just to be a snot. Edward takes her hand and drags her out the door. She giggles as she's being dragged.

"Whatever!" I yell. "I'll just hang out here by myself."

I sense Jasper behind me and turn around. He's giving me a puppy dog look from the top of the stairs.

"Oh no you don't!" Esme scolds. She yanks Jasper away from the stairs and down the hall to Carlisle's study. "Carlisle has the chess set all ready for you," I hear her say as they retreat down the hall.

I go into Bella's _temporary_ room, since I'm banned from mine. It's only a matter of time before she stops kidding herself and moves in with Edward. The poor guy. I can't help but feel a _little_ bit of sympathy for him. She hasn't even kissed him yet. But, knowing Bella, once that line gets crossed - it is game over. She'll probably skip bases and go straight to home.

I sit on the floor and stare at her growing record collection. She sure has gotten the hang of online shopping. I smile. I'm so proud.

"Hey, want to dye my hair blue?" Rosalie asks quietly from the doorway.

"I didn't even hear you," I whisper back. "Why are we whispering?"

"Because everyone is upstairs arguing and I don't want them to catch on yet. So, is that a yes?"

"Are you for real? Don't toy with me." My voice is rising. I can't help it. I'm getting so excited. Rosalie shushes me.

"Yes, I want to piss Emmett off. He said I never would do it. So, I will show him that I would," she states matter-of-factly.

Edward and Bella come home (right before school starts) to a house of chaos.

The parents are not pleased. Emmett is not pleased. Rose and I are very pleased.

"See what you are doing by separating those two? Look what she did to Rosie's hair!" Emmett complains. "You brought a plague upon our house."

Esme sighs. "She only has one more week. Stop being so dramatic."

"My Rose is blue. Blue!" Emmett shouts. "This is all her fault. She is sexually repressed and is turning against her siblings." Emmett looks at me seriously. "We are not the enemies."

I laugh in his face.

"There is nothing funny about this. I'm adding another week to your punishment," Esme reprimands.

"What!" I shriek.

Jasper drops to his knees and howls out, "No!" The vowel stretches out annoyingly.

"But it was my idea!" Rose protests.

"Yeah, it was her idea. I didn't do anything!" I stamp my feet for emphasis.

"End of discussion," Carlisle huffs.

I throw myself down on the floor in silent protest.

"I like it. It stays," Rose says and then walks upstairs even though the 'rents and Emmett are still talking to her. Well, more like talking at her.

I _see_ her blond again in a week. Just long enough for it to grow on Emmett before she changes it back.

* * *

Jessica0306 is my beta. She also makes me watch Glee.


	14. Chapter 14

I am a ghost in this house. I'm so afraid of screwing up _again_ that I lock myself in the attic when I'm not at school. This way I _have_ to stay out of trouble. I may be going insane. Technically, I would be off house arrest right now if it wasn't for Rose's stupidly awesome idea. She sure rocked her blue hair though. After school today she'll be a blond bombshell again. Some girls have already started showing up at school sporting colored hairstreaks. I guess they don't want to get grounded for going _all the way_. I don't blame them.

Because being grounded really sucks.

Now that Rose is being somewhat copied (she's such a trendsetter) she wants to go back to her natural color.

A light scratching against the attic door grabs my attention. "Psst, Alice."

"Jasper?" I ask, surprised.

"Shh! Yes, open the door."

"No way, I'm not adding any more time to my prison term. You, _my friend_, will have to wait three more days."

"_Alice!_" he whispers harshly. "Open the damn door."

I swing the door open, but his curly Golden Fleece hair isn't there to greet me. I find a rather basic looking device. A stupid, cheap Wal-mart-esque walkie-talkie. What, they couldn't even spring for something from Radio Shack?

I pick up the _thing _reluctantly. I nearly drop it when it screeches static at me.

"Alice?" it hisses. "All units within range, please report."

"Your message delivered. This is Emmett. Over," the thing hisses again.

"10-4. This is Alice. Over," I reply. What? I can't help it.

"_Oh_," replies Emmett, overemphasizing, "You know the lingo. Over."

"Stop goofing off and get back to the mission," Jasper scolds.

"What mission?" I ask, but then Emmett cuts in.

"Sorry, unable to copy. You didn't say over, over."

"We are spying on Edward and Bella. They are going out on a date," Jasper transmits.

My finger nearly breaks the button. I press so hard. "What!"

"Guys! 10-9. You didn't say over. Over." Emmett cuts in again.

"Are you serious?" I yell into the little black gadget, completely ignoring Emmett. "Why didn't she tell me?" How did I not _see_ this?

"Um, are you going to make this about you?" Jasper replies, but the gadget distorts his voice a bit. He must be getting further out of range. "Shh! 10-3! Stop transmitting. Visitors in range."

"10-9. You didn't say over. And why would you say 10-3, and then say 'stop transmitting'. That is what 10-3 means. You basically just repeated 'stop transmitting' twice. Over," Emmett bellows. How could he be arguing the semantics of it, but not actually stop transmitting?

I climb down the attic stairs and make my way into Bella's room. The place is a mess. Clothes are thrown all over the place. She must have been confused about what to wear. Well, if the brat had asked me I could have helped. Humph!

I station myself near the window and look out. It's not like I can see anything from here, but it feels more like spying this way. I take a moment while waiting for an update to "look" ahead. I frown at what Bella decided to wear. Really? She couldn't wear something other than jeans? I let out a sigh. However, my frown turns upside down when I get a glimpse of their night. It's very basic. Dinner and a movie. Well, hunting and a movie. It's very sweet though. They are so cute.

"What are you doing?" Rosalie asks from the doorway. "Why are you sitting in the dark clutching a walkie-talkie?" Esme peeks her head around Rosalie. She's wearing an apron.

"Why are you wearing an apron?" I change the subject.

"I did the dishes. Why are you changing the subject?" Esme replies.

"Why were you doing the dishes?" I change the subject back.

"They were dusty. Stop changing the subject," she scolds.

The ugly little device chooses now to hiss and screech. "Units, come in. Visitors finished hunting. They took out roughly five deer. Female made a mess and male pushed her in the river. She retaliated by splashing him. Turned into a splash fight. After running around to dry off, they are now heading back for the car. Emmett, identify your station."

"Who are 'the visitors'?" Rosalie asks, using her fingers to make air quotes. "Should we be worried?"

"Is that Jasper? Why are you on walkie-talkies?" Esme asks.

"Shh!" I shush them when the device starts hissing. "Emmett!" Jasper barks.

I use the new break of silence to answer Rosalie and Esme's questions. "We are spying on Bella and Edward. _They _are the visitors. It's code. Dang."

Esme and Rosalie take a seat on the bed. They make themselves comfortable. Carlisle comes in and takes a seat at the desk. I guess he heard everything from whatever corner of the house he was hiding in.

Jasper yells Emmett's name again. Finally he responds, "Oh, I'm sorry. Am I supposed to respond now? I wasn't sure you were finished... since you didn't say over. Over."

"Emmett, could you please state your location? Over." Jasper requests very harshly.

"Thank you." Emmett continues by explaining his whereabouts. "Would you like the map coordinates? Over."

"No, I'm _pretty_ sure I know where that is. Let me know when you make contact," Jasper replies. After a second he comes back on. "Over."

"Stand by. Over," Emmett shouts. I know his smug-ass is smiling.

"He is so going to get us busted with his big mouth," Rosalie sighs.

"You do realize that Edward will just read our thoughts later and find out anyway?" Carlisle adds.

"Whatever," I say, "Edward deserves his privacy to be compromised every once in awhile. And Bella deserves it for not telling me she was going on a date." I'm still staring out the window. Yep, nothing to report here. I take the walkie-talkie and press the button. "Nothing to report here." Sorry, couldn't help myself.

Esme and Rosalie snicker. I look at them questioningly.

"You didn't say over," Carlisle helps.

I quickly add, "Over."

"That's my girl. Alice, check ahead to see if we are going to be compromised. Over," Emmett says.

It takes me a second to sort through some scenarios, but everything comes out fine.

"Nothing to report here," I say. The device crackles and hisses but no words come through.

Esme sighs. "You forgot to say over."

I roll my eyes. "Over!" I shout. I receive high-pitched static noise as a response.

"Shit!" Jasper rasps, "My position may be compromised. 10-3." A second later a whispered, "Over," comes through. Rosalie giggles and Carlisle is chuckling as well.

"What is it, Alice?" Esme asks. She is so excited.

"I guess my _over_ was a little too loud. Jasper is stalking them back to the car and Bella _thought_ she heard my voice, but it's ok. She thinks she is just hearing things. I bet it's her guilty conscience." I mutter the last part.

After a quiet minute, Emmett's loud-ass is back on. "Awaiting your next message. Over."

Rosalie and Esme both groan.

"It's OK. Edward and Bella are out of range. Jasper is hanging back. He knew better than to trust Emmett to keep his mouth shut," I explain.

Bella and Edward enjoy a pretentious French movie from the backseat of Esme's SUV. There is a TV/DVD player hooked up in there. Yes, Esme drives a soccer mom car. No, the backseat situation isn't what you think. They are all cute and stuff… with their snuggling, and shy smiles. I don't know how Emmett pulls it off, but he somehow gets close enough to commentate this all to us. He actually uses an inside voice. Even better, an inside vampire whisper voice.

Rosalie and I are in hysterics when Jasper starts imitating Bella. Emmett acts as Edward. For some reason, Emmett's Edward has a pompous northern old-money accent. I am so thankful I don't have to breathe, because I can't.

Of course Esme gets all defensive. "Oh, he does not sound like that." She lightly slaps Rosalie's shoulder. "And Bella would not appreciate Jasper's shrill impersonation."

Laughing while she talks, Rosalie adds, "Yeah… because it sounds more like Alice." I grab a pillow and throw it at her head. I get her good because she's laughing so hard she isn't paying attention.

"Mission complete. Visitors are heading back to headquarters. All units are secure. This is your captain signing off," Jasper says as the sun starts to rise. "Oh, and Alice… I hope you are feeling better and were distracted for a little while."

Esme and Rosalie both sigh, "Aw." Carlisle is grinning.

I am grinning too.

"I didn't hear an over. Over."

* * *

10-3 = Stop transmitting

10-4 = Message received

10-9 = Repeat message

Rec's: Author – DoUTrustMe

Jessica0306 is my beta and all mistakes can be blamed on her. ;P

She is also my muse.

(Those of you reading my other story - sorry for being that person. I am trying to finish it so that when I do post again it's complete…)


	15. Chapter 15

Jasper looks down at the plastic guitar in his hand. "We're vampires. There is no point in this. We'd play the song perfectly with _real_ instruments."

"Oh, shut up. It's fun. It's like being in a real band," I chirp.

"We could _be_ in a real band if you wanted," Jasper replies.

"Jasper, give it up. She likes dressing up her character. That's what this game is all about for her," Bella huffs.

Emmett enters the room. "Sweet! Rock Band. I got dibs on the mic."

Rosalie groans.

"Emmett, don't you want to play the guitar or the bass or the drums or…" I don't finish. I give Bella a look and she just rolls her eyes.

"What, what was with that look?" Emmett asks.

"Bella gets the _key_tar. Apparently you'll have to pry it from her cold dead hands. I've tried to give her the talk about sharing, but she is being awfully stubborn. I'm beginning to think the only lesson she learned from Sesame Street was from Oscar the Grouch."

Bella sticks her tongue out at me.

Emmett hums a little. "Well, since she still has her newborn strength I'll have to wait some time before I take that challenge."

"Em, don't you want to try your hand at something different?" Rosalie asks, using the voice moms use to coax small children.

"What? I'm a rockstar. I'm the main attraction. I'm the front man, the singer, the 'miggity microphone master, funky rhyme maker'."

I think we all roll our eyes. "Just let him sing. He'll be a big baby about it if we don't let him have his way," Jasper says.

"And that is why he is so spoiled," Esme states, "That was not my doing."

"Way to pass the buck there, mommy dearest," I grumble. Emmett headlocks me and ruffles my hair. I squirm away and punch his shoulder.

"Aw, Alice, you're just still sore about being grounded," Emmett says.

Carlisle enters the room and kisses the top of Esme's head. "Where's Edward?" he asks.

"Hunting," Jasper answers.

"Without Bella?" Carlisle jokes, "I was beginning to think they were inseparable."

I should be honest. "He has to hunt without Bella. It turns him on too much to watch her feed."

Rosalie busts out laughing and even Esme chuckles a little. She covers her mouth and coughs, trying to play it off.

"You are still holding out on him?" Emmett asks her, surprised, "Not cool, Bella, not cool."

"Thanks for nothing, Alice!" Bella seethes. I just shrug.

I take my place behind the drums. I like to keep my hands _and_ feet busy. Jasper throws the guitar strap over his shoulder while giving me the_ this-is-so -lame_ look. I smile at him and twirl the drumsticks with my fingers all badass like. Rosalie takes the bass without complaint. Esme stays seated on the couch to watch, while Carlisle goes back up to his study.

"Esme, did you want to play?" Jasper asks. He's still trying to weasel his way out of this.

She gives him a sweet smile. "I'd rather watch, dear."

"Suck up," Rosalie mutters.

By the third song I am over it. "All these songs suck," I whine.

"Alice, are you insane!" Bella shouts at me. She stares at me all wide eyed. "I can't… I don't… are you serious?" She's flabbergasted.

"I think you broke her," Rosalie quips.

Bella starts listing some of her favorite artists using her fingers to count them off. "David Bowie!" she shouts his name last. She then grabs the front of her vintage shirt (definitely not something I bought her), stretching out the faded image on the front, and huffs.

Okay, okay, I get it. It's a David Bowie shirt. I'm not blind. I give her the_ so what_ look. If you haven't noticed yet, Jasper and I are all about body language. Well, I am. I think he's just adapted, so that he could communicate with me. Because right now he's giving me the _are you serious_ look too.

Edward walks in on our first band fight. It's hard working together when you have musical differences. I may have to go solo.

Wait… Edward. I just got a brilliant idea. I give him my best pouty face. "Dearest brother, would you please add songs that I actually like to this game?" Edward looks up at the title screen, then back at me. He then looks at Bella who just shakes her head. She is giving him the _yeah, I know she's crazy_ look.

"Is that my shirt?" he asks Bella.

I whine and stretch out his name. "Edwaaard!"

He turns back to me. "Alice, let me get this straight. You don't like _any_ of the songs on here?"

I shake my head no.

"And you want me to learn video game design to reprogram this game _just_ so you can get bored with it in a week's time?"

"Yes."

He sighs. "Alright, I'll see what I can do."

Best brother ever.

"Yeah, that can help you keep your hands busy with something else for a change," Emmett snickers. Both he and Jasper chuckle like school children.

Edward reads their minds. Uh, oh. His hands become fists at his sides. He looks right at me.

I try to look innocent.

"I can read that you are trying to look innocent, Alice." Damn! I didn't mean to call him out. I just say things without thinking first.

"What's the matter, Edward? It's not like you aren't a pro at using your hands. You've only had like, a hundred years of practice," Jasper adds.

"Alright, I think I need to go water some plants or something," Esme says as she excuses herself from the room. No, not just the room. She leaves the house.

Rosalie grabs Emmett by the ear and leads him up the stairs. He tries apologizing, but she doesn't release him until they enter their room.

I look over at Bella and she is furious. You do not, I repeat, do not antagonize a newborn. This includes mocking her mate. I see a flash of the future that can't be unseen and I cringe. No one should see their brother in a state of undress. Ever.

Edward also sees it. He's not cringing. He's in shock, I think.

Bella grabs Edward by the arm and drags him out the front door. I guess she wants to show him what else his hands are good for.

"I think we are off the hook," I say to Jasper.

He looks at me and smiles. "Yeah, I think he'll be thanking me when he gets back."

"Thanking _us_," Emmett yells from upstairs.

* * *

Jessica is my beta and I abuse her.

Me - Where are my chapters? (raised eyebrows icon)

Jessica - I KNOW.

- OMG, I know.

Me - (plugging ears icon)

- (shaking head icon)

- (talk to the hand icon)

- (you are all talk icon)

Jessica - I sat there in front of my TV eating my pizza thinking, I should really be doing her chapters instead of watching this cute cowboy on American idol

Me - American Idol... LOL...

Jessica - JLo is SO PRETTY

Me - I'm going to use this – Apparently American Idol is more important than me


	16. Chapter 16

It's a sunny Saturday, so the whole family is trapped indoors. Since it's been a sunny all week, we're basically running out of things to do. In other words, we are super bored. Today, all the girls have gathered in my room for some female pampering. That's what it started out as anyway. Now we are just experimenting on each other.

Not like that!

"I can't wear green nail polish, Alice," Esme complains as I hold her hands hostage.

"Esme, you may play mom, but you are like a 26 year old who looks 18. I'm pretty sure you can wear other color besides SoHo Spice."

"She is a doctor's wife. You can't have her running around in loud colors!" Bella teases and then growls as Rosalie pulls her hair. "Alright, Rose. Dang. You are lucky I am a vamp, or you would have pulled out a chunk of my hair."

"I told you to keep still. How many times do I have to say it?" Rosalie chides. Bella crosses her arms and pouts.

"Rose, I think that's enough. She's not going to fairyland or to an anime expo," I advise.

I'm trying to help. Rosalie has turned Bella's long hair into a braided, flowered concoction that is all over the place. There are small braids and thick braids. Some wrapped around her head, some intertwined with each other. The icing on this overcooked cake – Rosalie has added flowers as a final touch. I would name this look the Bridesmaid Disaster.

Bella reaches her hand up to feel what's going on, but Rosalie slaps her hand away. "I'm not done."

"Oh, I think you are," I counter.

"It's not like we have anything else to do. What is the problem?" she asks.

I look at Bella and shrug. She shrugs back. Rose has a point.

"Those are going to be such a pain to take out though," Esme adds. Rosalie shushes her.

Once I finish Esme's fingers, I move to her toes. You can't have them mismatched.

Rose twirls the last braid on Bella's head and pins it down with a daisy clip. "There, all done," she says very pleased with herself. I try not to laugh, so I end up sort of snorting into my hand. Esme leans back, grabs a mirror and hands it to Bella. Then Bella screams. More like shrieks.

"Are you kidding me with this?" She moves her head back and forth trying to get the full effect of the monstrosity. Standing, she rushes over to the full size mirror and does the same thing there.

"Oh, Bella, it's not _that_ bad," Esme comforts. I look up to catch a devious smile on her lips right before she hides it and says, "But it's only fair that you get to do Rosie's hair now."

I snort-laugh again. Rosalie gasps. Bella grins.

"Just like I get to do Alice's nails when she's finished with mine." Now it's my turn to gasp. I hold up my long pink and orange checkerboard jeweled nails. "I already did mine," I whine.

Bella looks at me with sympathy in her eyes. She wouldn't ever let me style her nails like this, but she really likes it when I do my own. She calls them Harajuku nails.

Bella walks over and sits on the bed. She motions for Rosalie to take a seat on the floor in front of her. Rosalie obliges without complaint. I'm sure she's thinking there is nothing Bella can do that can top what she did. I can't see that happening either, so I cheat. I check ahead. I can't hold back the laughter this time.

Bella, Rosalie, and Esme all look at me. "What's so funny?" Bella asks.

"You'll see."

"Hey, Ladies ha-," Jasper stops midsentence and then just stares at us from the doorway.

Without moving a muscle, he yells for Edward, who appears seconds later.

"What Jasper? I was in the -," Edward also stops talking midsentence when he sees us.

Bella grins and says, "Yes, boys? Can we help you?"

Jasper shakes his head and then pushes Edward away from the door as they both run down the stairs.

"Well," Bella huffs jokingly, "Edward didn't even compliment my hair."

I finish Esme's pinky toe and screw the polish shut. It's time to face the music. "Alight, _Mom_, you're all done."

Esme wiggles her toes and smiles. "They look pretty cute. I love the little flower touch on the big toe."

I cross my fingers that she will leave my nails alone.

"Alice, be a dear and hand me the mauve," Esme requests sweetly. She's still smiling at her toes.

_Mauve!_ I balk. "Mauve?"

Why didn't I look ahead for myself? I do now. My nails will look very professional. And bland. I toss Esme the polish she requested and then fall to the floor face first. I stretch my arms straight out and mumble into the carpeting, "Do your worst."

"Stop being so dramatic," Rosalie grumbles.

"Remember that when Bella's done," I retort.

Rosalie freezes up. "What do you mean by that?" she asks. Bella starts laughing. I start laughing too. Rosalie goes to stand up, but Bella uses her newborn strength to push her back down.

With her hand still on Rosalie's shoulder, Bella says, "Don't make me do this one-handed. It will only take longer." She won't have the extra strength much longer. She needs to abuse this power while she still can. I giggle into the carpet. I know Rosalie is pissed. She hates being put in her place.

"Shut up, Alice!" Rosalie snaps. She relaxes her shoulders. "Fine, I'll behave, Bella. Just let go."

Bella concedes and removes her hand. She grabs the hairspray from the floor next to Rosalie and goes to work. There is teasing and lifting and spraying and teasing. I watch from the floor. It's like the best thing ever.

"Tada!" Bella shouts when she's done. I'm already laughing and so is Esme.

"The Flock of Seagulls have nothing on you, girlfriend," I taunt.

Rosalie drops her head into her hands. "I'm afraid to look."

"The 80s _are_ making a comeback," I add.

"You're done too," Esme informs me. I give her a sarcastic, "Thanks."

I crawl over to Rose and hand her the mirror Bella had abandoned on the floor. Esme yells at me to watch my nails. "Yeah, we wouldn't want to mess up these babies, now would we," I grumble.

Rose takes the mirror from me and then sighs. She didn't freak out like I _foresaw_ earlier. My comment helped placated her.

"It's going to take _forever_ to wash all this mousse and hairspray out of my hair," she whines.

"I wanted to dye it rainbow colors and maybe shave one side of your head, but I remembered what happened when Alice dyed it just one color. I didn't want to get into trouble," Bella says.

"What!" Rosalie turns her head to face Bella. "Thank God for that."

Bella shrugs.

Emmett shouts from downstairs, "I better not be hearing what I think I'm hearing!"

Rosalie smiles. "Come on, Bella. Let's go show off our new dos."

I laugh as I watch Rosalie drag Bella out of the room. I stay and blow on my nails. Esme is cleaning up around me.

"What the fuck is that!" Emmett bellows from below.

Esme and I crack up.

* * *

How many FF references can you catch?

Some dude got fired, so we were joking (inappropriately) about it -

Jessica - Now we're just waiting for him to come in and shoot the place up.

Me - not funny!

Jessica - hhaha

Me - When they find your body, your hand will be clutching your phone with FF on it

Jessica - LOLOLOLOL

Me - right at a smut scene

Jessica - "BUT I DIDN'T FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED WITH EaOMP"

Me - I would wail to the gods for you about that!

Jessica - What ever happened with the baby!

Me - LOL

- you'll never know

Jessica - :*(

Me - Because you'll be only getting through the Starry Eyed smut scene

Jessica - There's a smut scene?

Me - When we meet in heaven in our pink house I will tell you then

Jessica - Hahahahah! HAHAHAHAHAH!

- Lame.


	17. Chapter 17

The Denali sisters have come to pay us a visit.

Us _girls_ now overpower the boys.

_Which means_ we have dibs on the TV at all times, much to the boys' displeasure.

Jasper walks in and takes a seat on the floor. It's pretty much the only available spot left in the room.

"What are you guys watching?" he asks.

"Glee," Bella and I answer at the same time. Rosalie, Esme, Tanya, Kate, and Irina don't even bother responding.

"Looks lame," he says.

"You look lame," Bella replies.

Most of the girls giggle while continuing to watch the show. Jasper just rolls his eyes. He's used to Bella's weak comebacks.

The character Kurt, from the show, follows his crush into a room full of hot guys and they start singing _Teenage Dream_.

"I'm pretty sure that's my teenage dream," I sigh. Tanya high-fives me. Jasper scoffs.

"I still can't believe Kurt betrayed his friends like that," Kate says.

"I know right!" Tanya exclaims, while Bella shouts, "He had too!" at the same time.

"Did not! He took his dad's honeymoon money so he could live the good life at an all-boys school. I'd do the same thing. I mean, come on, he –" Kate argues.

Jasper cuts Kate off, "Stop, stop, stop… I have no idea what you are talking about. You are all speaking gibberish and I am leaving now."

"Suit yourself," I say.

Edward and Carlisle walk in the room as Jasper stands up.

"Are you still watching this? You've been at it for hours now," Edward complains.

We all ignore him. He looks around waiting for a response. He frowns at the lack of attention he's been given. I'm busy plotting how to get Carlisle and Esme to send the boys to boarding school. It would be so awesome with all the sneaking around.

"No, Alice, no way!" Edward growls.

Bella looks up at Edward, confused. "What?" She looks over at me. "What!"

"Alice is fantasying about school uniforms and communal showers."

"That doesn't sound so bad." Jasper grins saucily.

"An all _boys_ school."

"You didn't say that part." Jasper's grin disappears.

"Whatever, Jasper, you still think it sounds good." Tanya giggles.

"Alright, I'm out. I had enough of the harpies." Jasper brushes by Edward and Carlisle as he exits the room.

"No, Jasper, don't go," I call out softly and sardonically. Once he's out of sight, I go back to staring at the TV screen.

"They really need to make VD television," I complain. Edward is rolling his eyes. He can see my train of thought. He takes Jasper's spot on the floor. Carlisle is already leaving. I don't think this show is to his liking. He'd probably stay if it was Frasier.

Kate, Bella, and Irina crack up. Tanya would have too, but she is too busy drooling over Puck, another character from the show.

"No, you _whores_. Not VD - VD, but VD television. Like, Vamp Definition television. This HD crap still looks too pixilated for me."

Kate, Bella, and Irina don't care that I cleared that up. They are still laughing.

"Shh," Rosalie shushes angrily. "I can't hear the show over your excessive cackling."

Esme tsks. "Now Rose, be nice. The girls are just having a good time."

"Whatever," Rosalie mumbles.

I look over at my bro-dog. "Why are you willingly in the witches' den?"

"I actually like this show," Edward replies.

Almost every female in the room turns their head his way. "_Really_?" three of us exclaim. Esme doesn't even bat an eyelash. She knows her kids so well.

"I happen to like musicals. And before you make another gay joke at my expense, may I remind you I used to watch a lot more movies than anyone else. I had more time on my hands. Musicals used to be very popular back in the day. Cinema was much more innocent." Edward was going to continue his rant, but Rose had had enough.

"Ok, ok. We get it. Shut up already. Some of us _want_ to watch the show."

Bella slides down from her spot on the couch and curls up with Edward. She smiles up at him as he smiles down at her. I may or may not make a vomiting noise. They may or may not glare back at me.

An hour later, Edward groans. I'm a little afraid to look over. I don't want to be traumatized for eternity.

However, I groan too as Emmett busts into the room. I wish I had seen this coming.

"Dude, have you guys been to this site _Texts from Last Night_?" he bellows.

"Yes, Emmett. That got old months ago," Rose bitches.

He starts laughing. "But there is one on here that I swear was written about Esme." He starts laughing even harder. I'm surprised he could get the words out.

"What?" Esme asks. "What are you talking about?"

Emmett reads from his phone, even though I'm sure he remembers whatever he's about to say.

"Nothing makes my dick _softer_ than hot girls in rain boots."

This time Kate, Bella, Irina, Tanya, _and_ Rosalie crack up. Esme gasps and covers her mouth.

"Emmett!" Esme scolds.

"What? You are always wearing those ugly-ass Wellies when you garden. Jasper and I keep telling you how dorky they are."

"They are functional. Not everything is about fashion," Esme replies sternly. She even puts her hands on her hips.

I raise my hand. "I beg to differ. Everything is about fashion."

"Shut up, Alice," Esme, Rosalie, and Bella reprimand.

I stick my tongue out at them.

"Esme, don't let him get to you. I like your boots. I had some myself before Alice threw them away," Bella says to try and comfort her.

Edward looks her in the eyes and says, "And you were super cute in them."

I make the vomiting noise again, that I may or may not have made earlier. Emmett starts laughing all over again. He's even holding his sides. As if he could really be in pain. _Please_.

Carlisle joins us. He's grinning. Emmett sees his face and continues laughing. I look over to find an unhappy Esme.

"You have something you want to add_, Dear_?" Esme sneers. I didn't know Esme _could _sneer. Nice.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. I couldn't help but overhear. I just had to come down to join in on the discussion," Carlisle says.

"And why is that?" she asks.

"Well, because I had to make it clear that no matter what you wear – be it a paper bag covered in deer guts – that you are still the most beautiful woman in the world."

Esme's hands drop from her hips and her eyes glow. "Oh, Carlisle," she sighs.

Kate, Irina, and Tanya sigh too.

Bella winks at me. We know how smooth Carlisle can be. We chat about it a little too much.

Emmett is the one to make the vomiting noise now. Edward chuckles.

"Can you all _please_ be quite now? I am _trying_ to watch this show!" Rosalie yells through gritted teeth, her eyes focused on the TV.

Emmett makes an _oh shit_ face and backs out of the room. Esme walks toward Carlisle like he's the only person in the room. He takes her hand and they leave the house together. I don't have to tell you what their plans are.

Edward is pouting and whispers to Bella, "I should have said that instead of just calling you cute." She just rolls her eyes.

All this sappiness is getting to me, but not in a good way. I need an escape.

"Hey Bella, you want to go play Call of Duty with me?" I ask.

"Yes, thank god. All this cheese is making me lactose intolerant."

"Don't you want to watch Glee with me?" Edward asks, using the puppy dog eyes.

"_Cute_, Edward, but I want to go play video games with Alice. Then maybe we will try on _cute_ clothes or go eat a _cute_ deer." She leaves the room. I follow. Rose snorts out a laugh.

As we climb the stairs to the second floor I can see her smirk. She's not really mad at Edward.

"If you really try on cute clothes with me I will tell you how he plans to make it up to you," I whisper pleadingly.

"Nah, that will only ruin the surprise," she whispers back.

"You _hate_ surprises," I whisper harshly.

"Not as much as I hate trying on clothes." I know she is smiling. Her smile grows as I start whining.

"Stop your moaning and save your aggression for the field."

"Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong!" I threaten.

* * *

Thank you Jessica. For doing stuff.

Thank you Taco Friends for giving me ideas.

The youtube video of Glee's Teenage Dream - http:/www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=E46BhMIRujI

From the previous chapter – this is how I picture Alice's nails:

http:/20candykisses(dot)files(dot)wordpress(dot)com/2010/11/kawaii-nail-art-1(dot)jpg


	18. Chapter 18

Bella and I aren't speaking to each other.

She had the audacity to soil my favorite cashmere sweater. The one I got in Paris. I've had that sweater since the 1950s. It is vintage. I also want to say it's expensive - it was at the time - but the price I paid then is considered chump change now.

That's beside the point. It's irreplaceable.

"What is the matter with you two? You are making it hard to breathe in here," Carlisle complains. He's eyeing both of us from the rearview mirror.

Neither one of us responds. I don't because I don't want her to think I want to talk to her. Maybe it's the same for her as well, but I don't care for her reasons. Nope.

Jasper sighs. I elbow him in the ribs.

"We are supposed to be having a nice family vacation," Esme says from the front passenger seat. The seat I clearly called shot-gun for but was overruled by her Totalitarian ways.

Now I have to sit in the back near Bella. Well, in the middle. Esme rented a minivan. Yep, a family of vamps is riding to the airport in a minivan. Wait! I wonder if I can change flights so I don't have to get on the same plane as _her_. I grab my cell from my purse.

"Mom, Alice is trying to book a different flight," Edward tattles from the back of the van. Edward and Bella are squished next to Emmett in the seats behind me, Jasper and Rose. The fact that Bella was going to be uncomfortable on the ride there had given me some comfort after Esme stole my seat, but she ended up sitting on Edward's lap.

"Shut up, Edward!" I screech back. Jasper grabs the phone from my hand and turns it into dust. I cross my arms over my chest in silent fury. I have, like, three more phones in my purse so it's really not a huge loss.

"You're cleaning that up," Esme calmly states to Jasper. He just shrugs his shoulders. "And you, young lady, are going to hang out with your family whether you like it or not." I know she's looking at me but I refuse to make eye contact. I told you, "Totalitarian".

We arrive at the airport way ahead of schedule. Us vampires are nothing if not efficient.

I check in all four of my bags, leaving just my carry on. Everyone else _just_ has a carry on, so they are waiting for me. They may also be waiting to make sure I don't dazzle my way onto a different flight. Instead, I decide to dazzle the clerk into not charging me for my extra bags, but realize half way through my spiel that it's unnecessary because I'm flying First Class, and all checked luggage is at no cost. Well, at least I made his day.

As I grab my ticket from the counter, an angry passenger pushes his way to the desk beside me. He slaps his ticket on the counter and says, "I have to be on this flight and it has to be First Class."

The clerk I was dealing with shakes his head a little and turns to focus on this rude guy. He's clearly still bewildered from my _dazzling_ personality. The rude guy's clerk briefly glances at the ticket and says, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to help you, but I've got to help these folks first. Then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." She motions to the line of people the man had skipped ahead of.

The rude man is unimpressed. He asks loudly, loud enough so the other passengers behind him can hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

I _sure_ don't. I'm curious if I should. Of course I am still standing here holding up traffic. I always love good drama. I can tell the poor clerk is frustrated though, so I decide to step in.

I smile and grab the clerk's public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?" I begin, my voice being heard throughout the terminal. I can sense my family coming towards me. They, no doubt, are afraid of what I am about to do.

"We have a passenger here at the ticket counter who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the Delta ticket counter."

The folks behind him in line laugh hysterically. Rude Guy glares at me, then the clerk, grits his teeth and says, "Fuck You!" I let the clerk pull the microphone away from me.

Without flinching, I smile my charming Alice smile and say, "I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Before Rude Guy can retaliate, Jasper pulls me away from the counter while making apologies to the airline staff. He doesn't apologize to Rude Guy.

I think maybe I might get in trouble, but we are flying First Class. You can get away with anything when you fly First Class.

"Really, Alice! I can't believe you," Esme scolds, as we make our way through the security line.

I glance over at Bella and I can see a smile trying to fight its way onto her face. She's too stubborn to even acknowledge my awesome_ burn_. _Pfft_, I know she wants to laugh. I cross my arms over my chest again. Well, whatever, _Bella_. Act too cool. See if I care.

The flight is boring. I made sure my seat was far from Bella's, but I forgot Jasper brought his DVD player with some crappy war documentaries. Occasionally he mumbles a one-sided argument towards the screen. Something like, "That's not how it happened," or "They are getting it all wrong." While he's immersed, I'm stuck watching _Everyone Loves Raymond_ reruns.

I think I will recognize this as the moment I miss the ability to sleep the most.

I can hear Bella tapping the keys on her Nintendo DS two rows behind me. Edward seems to be reading a giant book of _nerd_. Seriously, the book is huge. And old. Has he never heard of a Kindle?

"Shut up, Alice!" Edward whispers harshly.

"Get out of my head, nerd," I whisper-yell back. He closes his book roughly, and it's so big you can hear a small thud as the cover comes together.

"What is the matter with all of you?" Carlisle sternly asks. It's too soft for the humans to hear, but we still catch the coarseness in his tone. He is not happy.

"Bella and Alice are fighting," Rose whispers to the group. Again, too soft for human ears. She's focused on the magazine in her lap.

"Oh no, you two. You will make up this instant. I will not have your immature tantrums ruin our family vacation!" Esme reprimands.

She acts like we fight _all _the time. We don't. Well, not all the time.

Emmett is giggling. He always thinks it's funny when we have full conversations around others without them knowing.

I scoff. I'm not apologizing. She ruined my sweater.

Edward sighs loudly. "Gosh darn it, Alice! She was wearing a sundress and that sweater. That stupid sweater, which you made her wear. Which was a size too small. And it was snug. Real snug. She already told you she didn't mean it."

My arms are across my chest again. I'm staring out the window as hard as I can.

"Wow, you must be frustrated. You aren't even speaking in proper sentences," Rosalie laughs.

"You _are_ being a little hard on Bella," Emmett pipes in. I turn and glare at him.

"You know, back in the day, those fuzzy soft sweaters were referred to as _petting_ sweaters," he continues on, ignoring my fierce glare.

"It's ok, Em," Bella replies, "I don't need your help. Let her be a bit-" Bella doesn't get a chance to finish, because Edward quickly covers her mouth.

I swiftly turn around in my seat and grasp onto the headrest. A few people near me look over, startled by my actions.

"You should have known better than to go hunting… with Mr. Sloppy Pants over here," I say, pointing at Edward.

Bella tries to stand but the ceiling is too low, so she's sort of standing/squatting. "You knew that was our plan! You still insisted I wear that stupid sweater."

"I thought I could trust you to be more responsible," I hiss back.

"I thought you were a psychic!" she screeches. Her voice is getting gradually louder. Edward tries to pull her down in her seat while making shushing noises. "Didn't you see the outcome of what would happen if you dressed me up like a tart?"

Jasper sends out a wave of calm, but I swish my hand in his face to get him to stop. "I didn't realize my brother was such a sex addict that he has to put his grubby paws all over you every time you leave the house." Jasper switches to tugging on my arm, trying to get me to turn around in my seat. "I liked him better as a prude. At least then my clothes came back in one piece."

Bella scoffs. Edward looks abashed. What did he expect? He should be ashamed of himself. She came back with a blood stained handprint on the front of my favorite sweater.

"It was in one piece," she pronounces slowly.

"You threw it in the dirty clothes hamper with a blood stain. Do you know how hard it is to get blood out of cashmere… let alone after letting it sit for days?"

I want to say impossible and let her feel guilty for ruining my sweater, but I have mad skills and she'd never believe me.

"You know how he is when we hunt together," Bella retorts, leaning over Rosalie's seat. Rosalie scoots closer to the window, giving Bella and I perfect viewing access. She's still focused on the magazine in her lap.

"Bel-la," Edward whispers. Clearly he doesn't like being involved in this argument.

"So, what? You're telling me it's Edward's fault?" I sneer.

We both kind of stop and take a minute to contemplate things. After a short pause, we look over at Edward at the same time.

He sighs.

"You're right. It is his fault," I say seriously. Bella nods her head affirming this.

Edward grabs his book from the floor and starts reading again.

I smile at Bella. "I can never stay mad at you."

She smiles back. "You are the wind beneath my wings," she jokingly quotes.

"Can both of you please return to your seats now?" Rosalie asks, still looking at the magazine. "I should never have sat between you two," she mumbles to herself.

I come back to reality and notice we have a small audience. Some passengers are looking at us strangely. I gracefully sit down in my seat. Bella just flops down.

It's a good thing we kept our voices down, because our conversation would have made no sense.

I look over at Jas, to find him smiling at the screen. He has his headphones on, but I know he can still hear me. "What are you smiling about?" I ask.

He wraps his arm around my shoulders, pulls me close, and kisses my head. "Oh, nothing."

Bella jumps up (squats up) holding a SkyMall magazine. "They have decoder rings in here. We have to get these!" I turn around to look as she stretches her arm towards me. She's leaning over Rose's chair again, so Rose slaps her arm away. Not being deterred, she climbs over Edward, who is once more engrossed in his book. Jasper is well aware of what is happening, so he stands up holding his DVD player, lets Bella pass, and walks towards Edward. His eyes never leave his screen. Edward scoots over to Bella's seat, leaving his vacant for Jasper. They both continue on like nothing happened.

I grab the magazine from Bella as she sits next to me.

"Decoder rings," I say in bewilderment. I look over and match her evil grin.

If the family thought it was hard to keep up with us before, let them try to sort through our secret Best Friend codes.

* * *

I stole the _Rude Guy_ bit from one of those cheesy joke emails my mom forwarded to me.

You would've received this chapter earlier today if my beta wasn't so lazy. I mean, seriously. The things I have to put up with. She saved it as an Apple file, which my computer didn't want to open.

Me - Where is my chapter?

Jess - I have to resave it at home and resend it.

Jess - Sorry.

Jess - It's all done though.

Me – =/

Jess - I AM SORRY.

Jess - I did it while I sleep trained the baby. Which means, I did it while he cried himself to sleep.

Jess - He slept the whole damn night, though, so it's all good.

Jess - :(

You can thank **reds-red** for pushing me to get this chapter out. Her PM made me laugh and I realized I needed to get my shit together.

That's right, Jess. I only gave thanks to one of my readers. You will get my thanks when you earn it.


	19. Chapter 19

"I have to say it." Jasper sighs and then finishes, "Bella, I think you are a bad influence on this family."

"Shut up, Jas," Bella replies with an annoyed tone.

"You could at least give me your attention while I'm talking to you," he replies while crossing his arms. She ignores him. "Seriously, you guys watch _way_ more television than what is considered healthy. And it all started with _little Bella_ here."

We all ignore him.

"Carlisle, really? You are going to watch this… this… _crap_." Jasper is still ranting while waving his hand at the TV.

Bella pauses the show, making Rose growl. "Jasper, the only reason you are down here bothering the _crap_ out of us is because you were just upstairs on your computer. Most likely on Tumblr. Now you are horny and pissed that Alice is ignoring you when you just tried to get her attention away from _the best show in the world_." She un-pauses the show and goes back to watching it like nothing happened.

It's true. He has been trying to coax me away from the TV. How had I never heard of _My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding_?Thank Gawd there is a marathon on today.

"Bella is right, Jasper. You should watch this. It's fascinating," Carlisle adds seriously. He really is fascinated.

"I'm not watching a show that demoralizes women. Especially one that centers around _weddings_. Super lame."

Jasper gets a pillow to the face courtesy of one Emmett Cullen. Huffing, he takes the pillow and sits down beside me.

Twenty minutes later he is asking all sorts of questions.

Forty minutes later he is as involved as the rest of us.

During a commercial Esme says, "What I find humorous is that this is on _The Learning Channel_. What are we _really _learning here?"

"We are leaning that we need to hire Thelma to design my wedding dress," Bella says seriously. Edward gasps next to her. This causes Bella and me to laugh hysterically. Rosalie kicks her when the commercial break ends, but she can't stop laughing.

"Doesn't Thelma's assistant look a lot like the singer Lykke Li?" I ask.

"She does," Bella gasps out while she tries to pull herself together.

"Shut up!" Rose shrieks.

"For Pete's sake, it's a rerun," Esme scolds.

Edward leans closer to Bella and whispers in her ear, "I would buy you any dress, hire any designer, if you just agree to marry me."

Edward has been hounding her about marriage for weeks now. I'm not going to lie. I have too. I want to be her wedding planner _so_ bad. Like, so bad.

Bella sighs and turns so she can whisper in Edward's ear, "We are still in high school."

I scoff and then cough to cover myself. Emmett and Rose giggle.

Bella is always making excuses. I've tried to see her future, but she changes her mind so much it gives me a headache.

"Bella, we will _always_ be in high school," Edward says.

This is fairly common. Little comments here and there. Edward leaving bridal magazines around the house. Bella throwing said magazines in the fire. Edward giving her ultimatums, like no sex until she says "I Do". Bella wearing nothing but underwear, causing Edward to temporally forget his ultimatum.

A scene from the show we're watching causes Bella to contemplate where she would want to go if she had a honeymoon. No, I'm not a mind reader now, but I'm getting glimpses of naked midnight swims and tropical plants.

Wait.

Honeymoon. That could be the key.

I can feel eyes on me and notice Edward staring right at me.

"_Stop looking at me like that!"_ I screech mentally.

"Shut up and keep looking," he yells out loud. Bella gives him a weird look.

I roll my eyes but do what he says anyway. I want this almost as much as he does.

Ribbons.

Flowers.

Crepe Paper.

Centerpieces.

"Alice!" Edward huffs. Bella elbows him.

I scan for future scenarios, but they are gone. She's changed her mind again, but there is a high probability that she will ask Edward to take her on a vacation getaway.

Edward must start thinking about taking Bella to Isle Esme, because all kinds of future images start to flash through my head. Images I never, ever, wanted to see or wish to see again. Let's just say there is a lot of naked mixed in with copper counter tops and hand-carved mahogany bed frames. I'd recognize that bungalow anywhere, as well as Bella's white ass. What? We are girls. We change in front of each other.

I start thinking about Jasper to rid my mind of the painful imagery, when I hear Edward yell, "No!"

He pounces on me and starts to shake me a bit. I'm too shocked to retaliate. Within seconds, Jasper has thrown him off of me and I see (and hear) Bella hit him across the head. She must have picked up that habit from Rose.

"What is _wrong_ with you?" Bella asks him.

I start laughing uncontrollably. The poor guy must have really liked what he saw, _before_ I ruined it with my dirty Jasper thoughts. When I finally can breathe normally again, I smile wide at Bella.

Now she is looking at _me_ weird.

"You are going to have such a fun honeymoon," I squeal happily.

"Wha- what?" she stutters.

"Your honeymoon. It's very… enjoyable," I simplify.

Now Bella is intrigued. "What does that mean exactly? Do I _have_ to get married to have whatever future scenario Edward saw in your insane head that made him lose his mind and that also has caused you to be all," she waves her hands at me, "weirdly giddy?"

Esme claps her hands together and starts to make annoying happy sounds. Rose is even caught up in the excitement. She has paused the show and everything.

"Wait. Wait. Wait. I never said I _would_. I'm just asking!" Bella replies, while looking around the room. She's like a frightened deer right now. I need to calm her down. Edward is shaking his head at me, giving a menacing glare. I roll my eyes at him. I know how to play this. Bella is my beyotch.

I place my hands on her shoulders and look her in the eyes. "Bella, you trust me right?"

"No, not when it comes to a choice between my happiness and your chance to throw a party."

"What if I tell you that my happiness with planning your wedding only vaguely compares to yours while on this honeymoon?"

"Can't we just _go_ there, without the wedding part?"

I shake my head. "It won't be the same. All those emotions that come from making you his wife will be missing. He'll be thinking about making you his wife, instead of _making_ _it_ with his wife. Trust me, Bella. He's going to be _very_ attentive."

"_Edward, take her to the meadow now," _I tell him mentally.

Edward closes the distance between them and takes her hand. "Come on Bella. Let's go get some air. I don't want you to feel pressured."

"_Nice!"_ I praise him mentally.

Esme is covering her mouth with her hands, afraid she will say something to cause Bella to panic. Like, "Congratulations! I'm so happy for you! Oh, my God this is so wonderful!" Something like that.

I throw myself back down in my chair as Bella turns back around to face me. She stops. Everyone stops. Then she walks back towards me.

"I do trust you," she says. "You are my best friend."

I want to cry.

"I want you to be my Maid of Honor. If I'm going to get married, I'm going to _need_ you," she says in a soft voice.

Before I can stop myself, I say, "Matron of Honor."

"What?" she asks.

"I'm married already, so I would be your Matron of Honor."

"You're kidding me right now, right? I'm standing here opening up, and using feelings, and you are pointing out semantic?" She places her hands on her hips.

"I just wanted to clarify. If I'm going to take on this responsibly I would like you to use the right title."

"Oh, my God!" she yells.

I grab her in a hug before she can storm away. "Bella, you are my best friend. I'll always be your right hand man. I'll even be there to step in if I have to," I whisper near her ear.

"I don't think that last part will be necessary," she mumbles back.

"You don't know. And I look good in everything. Even a tux," I quip. She laughs a little.

"And I'd be _honored_ to be your _Matron_ of Honor."

"Oh! Kay," Rose blurts in, ruining the moment. Jealous hag.

Edward pulls Bella from my bear trap grasp of a hug. He is smiling so wide. His joy is making Jasper leak joy all over us.

Edward leads Bella from the house. He's planning on proposing… again. This time he knows she'll say yes.

I'm so happy for her I want to explode. Too happy!

"Jasper!" I yell, pushing him playfully away from me.

"I can't help it! Everyone needs to stop being so happy!" he laughs back.

"I can't stop smiling!" Esme squeals. Carlisle pulls her into a hug and kisses her on the head. Rose and Emmett give each other loving smiles.

"Enough, Jasper! I feel like we are on ecstasy," I giggle laugh.

Rose settles down first and grabs the remote. Everyone tries to contain themselves by watching TV again.

I only last four-point-three minutes until I jump out of my chair.

"Where are you going?" Jasper asks.

"I have a wedding to plan, _bitches_!" I scream while running up the stairs.

* * *

Thank you, Jessica. You've given me countless hours of pure frustration and misery.

Well, that is it folks. I'm sorry that this took way longer to post than it should have. I'm working on another story that I refuse to post until it's completed in its entirety. I never want to go weeks (months) between posts again.

You are all awesome.


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